After about two years of off-and-on searching for a way/training in order to get my foot into the door of healthcare, I was finally able to get my certification as a nurse's assistant this past summer. It took a little while to find a job afterwards, but this past July I was actually able to land a job at an assisted living home downtown (yes, I know. That's different than a nursing home. But nobody knows what assisted living is, and for the sake of sparing myself from having to describe it for the 1,563th time I just say I work at a nursing home.). I've been there about 4 months though, which is certainly not very long, but it has been long enough to teach me some very important nursing home (ahem, assisted living residence) lessons. Here are but a few of the lessons that I've learned so far:
1. I used to think farts were funny - now they just scare me.
2. How to deal with non-compliant residents - where I work, many have short term memory loss. When this happens, change the subject, wait three minutes, and ask again.
3. Babies - these are the key to making friends here fast. Walking through a nursing home with a baby is like running through a dog show slathered in bacon grease.
4. How to call 911 - if your resident is unresponsive, he's not sleeping. Call 911.
5. How to say no - like when an old lady tries to kiss your lips.
6. Use your nose - if the first thing you smell when you walk into work is raw sewage, it's not going to be a good day.
7. If you see something brown on the floor, don't pick it up to see what it is - you would think this would be a no-brainer, but no, this actually happened. It went like this:
Me: "What's that brown stuff in Mr. Dude's chair?"
Ms. Ungloved: "I don't know. Let's see."
[she picks it up, as I suffer a mild heart attack]
Ms. Ungloved: "*sniff sniff* Looks like some type of old meat."
8. Old women have no filter - I'm not even going to explain this one. If you've been around them, you know what I mean.
9. DO NOT give ice cream to a lactose intolerant person - especially when they wear diapers. And when your job is to change those diapers.
10. NEVER put your face at butt level - this ties in closely with #9.
I'm sure there will be many more lessons in the very near future, but to be honest, I don't know whether that should excite or scare me. It will probably be a mixture of things, which I'm ok with. Just as long as most of the things I'll learn in the future aren't like #10. (I still have nightmares about that.)
