How to Fit in at the Gym (No Pun Intended)

As the warmer weather comes around, more and more people begin their quest for the perfect 'beach body' by signing up at their local gym. However, many people, when making their first appearance in a gym since last April, quickly realize that they don't exactly fit in, leading to confusion and embarrassment. After witnessing many embarrassing attempts by the newbies coming to the gym lately I have compiled a very basic list of tips that will help you to be able to avoid such humiliation.

1. Wear as tight a shirt as possible - preferably one with the sleeves ripped off leaving a gaping hole all the way down to the level of the belly button. A 10 year old shirt without holes is simply unacceptable.

2. Grunt - Do this as often as possible. The louder the better. If Gold's Gym was a country, grunting would be the national language. Be sure to grunt while lifting weights, during conversations, after drinking from the water fountain, when you sit down, when you stand up, when you change the weight, when you walk up stairs, and as a substitute for the word "hi" when you see somebody that you know.

3. Make funny faces - while lifting it is essential that you do two things: grunt and make as absurd of a face as you possibly can. This helps to show that you are struggling with your weight and therefore, will be much more massive than all those other weenies that can't be struggling

4. Constantly look like you're about to kill somebody - 
This shows that you are not to be messed with. You're simply too strong.

5. Walk with your arms 6 inches off your side - This is normally done simply because one's armpits are really sweaty, but when asked why this is being done the answer normally runs along the lines of how their arm muscles have gotten so big that they can no longer put their arms at their side, much less in their pockets.

6. Carry a protein shake shaker - This is an essential part to any workout. These are generally filled with a $50 protein supplement from a barrel bought at GNC.

7. Drop weights right in front of the "Please Do Not Drop Weights" sign - to show that you are simply too powerful to be held down by any system.

8. Offer 'tips' to everybody within a twenty foot radius - See that football player over there? He's not doing those curls with very good form. You should probably go help him.

9. Wear shirts from bodybuilder.com - even though you clearly haven't been shopping there for long.

10. Tell others how loose that shirt used to be before you started doing so-and-so - but don't tell them that the shirt is three sizes too small...and that you've had it since you were 11.

11. Look at yourself and flex/suck it in every time you walk past a mirror - How else are you supposed to gauge your success?

These last two tips are gender specific. Please do not get them confused or you will suffer a very embarrassing outcome.

Girls: Do as ridiculous of an exercise as you can - ones that make you mimic a monkey, Richard Simmons, or some type of cross between a snake and a crane are the best.

Guys: A girl just walked into the room - up your weight twenty pounds.

Again, I cannot stress enough the importance of not getting these last two mixed up. Guys doing ridiculous exercises are publicly mocked, while girls that do them are seen as attractive. Girls that up their weight twenty pounds when a guy walks into the gym will be looked upon as masculine, as well as potentially able to beat up the other guys in the gym, and are therefore undateable. This is also a reason that girls are to avoid the punching bags at all cost.

By following all of these tips you'll come across as a natural, and will soon be owning the gym in no time.