As the time to register for classes next semester approaches, I figured that it would be very beneficial to give a brief synopsis of what you will learn in each class, to help upcoming freshmen. This is strictly based upon my own personal experience, and is in no way universal, but I do believe that it covers the majority of similar classes out there. Good luck picking your classes, and here it goes...
English 102 - English classes are mainly composed of reading bizarre, disturbing, or tedious pieces of literature and then debating about the (nonexistent) symbolism within the story
Math 110 - what you should have learned in elementary school
Philosophy 201 - how to sleep sitting up
Biology 115 - how to pray
English 221 - When looking for someone to tell an extremely long, bland personal story that no one else wants to hear about, tell an English major. Their boredom tolerance is off the charts.
Communications 101 - group projects should be avoided at all costs
Psychology 101 - Sigmund Freud was a weirdo, and even though many of his theories have been rejected today, we still continue to study him. Why? I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the shock value.
English 101 - When writing a sentence that is intended to inquire something from somebody you're supposed to put a funny little squiggly thingy that looks like this '?' at the end.
Biology 114 - Formaldehyde burns if it gets in your eyes. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "giving someone the ol' stinkeye".
Bible 110 - Hezekiah is not a book of the Bible
Math 221 - how beneficial it can be to have a roommate who's a math major
Health 216 - Smoking = Bad
Kinesiology 101 - P.E. majors have the easiest schedule of anyone on campus.
History 201 - that this semester, you will kiss reading for pleasure goodbye.
As you can see, there is much that you will learn by taking these classes. Much of what you learn will be brand new (and quickly forgotten), while, likewise, much of what you learn will have already been learned in high school (especially the sleeping sitting up part. Anyone else take high school chemistry?). Anyway, here is a brief overview. As time goes on (and I take more classes) I should be able to give more helpful, timeless pieces of advice.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
How to Fit in at the Gym (No Pun Intended)
As the warmer weather comes around, more and more people begin their quest for the perfect 'beach body' by signing up at their local gym. However, many people, when making their first appearance in a gym since last April, quickly realize that they don't exactly fit in, leading to confusion and embarrassment. After witnessing many embarrassing attempts by the newbies coming to the gym lately I have compiled a very basic list of tips that will help you to be able to avoid such humiliation.
1. Wear as tight a shirt as possible - preferably one with the sleeves ripped off leaving a gaping hole all the way down to the level of the belly button. A 10 year old shirt without holes is simply unacceptable.
2. Grunt - Do this as often as possible. The louder the better. If Gold's Gym was a country, grunting would be the national language. Be sure to grunt while lifting weights, during conversations, after drinking from the water fountain, when you sit down, when you stand up, when you change the weight, when you walk up stairs, and as a substitute for the word "hi" when you see somebody that you know.
3. Make funny faces - while lifting it is essential that you do two things: grunt and make as absurd of a face as you possibly can. This helps to show that you are struggling with your weight and therefore, will be much more massive than all those other weenies that can't be struggling
4. Constantly look like you're about to kill somebody -
This shows that you are not to be messed with. You're simply too strong.
5. Walk with your arms 6 inches off your side - This is normally done simply because one's armpits are really sweaty, but when asked why this is being done the answer normally runs along the lines of how their arm muscles have gotten so big that they can no longer put their arms at their side, much less in their pockets.
6. Carry a protein shake shaker - This is an essential part to any workout. These are generally filled with a $50 protein supplement from a barrel bought at GNC.
7. Drop weights right in front of the "Please Do Not Drop Weights" sign - to show that you are simply too powerful to be held down by any system.
8. Offer 'tips' to everybody within a twenty foot radius - See that football player over there? He's not doing those curls with very good form. You should probably go help him.
9. Wear shirts from bodybuilder.com - even though you clearly haven't been shopping there for long.
10. Tell others how loose that shirt used to be before you started doing so-and-so - but don't tell them that the shirt is three sizes too small...and that you've had it since you were 11.
11. Look at yourself and flex/suck it in every time you walk past a mirror - How else are you supposed to gauge your success?
These last two tips are gender specific. Please do not get them confused or you will suffer a very embarrassing outcome.
Girls: Do as ridiculous of an exercise as you can - ones that make you mimic a monkey, Richard Simmons, or some type of cross between a snake and a crane are the best.
Guys: A girl just walked into the room - up your weight twenty pounds.
Again, I cannot stress enough the importance of not getting these last two mixed up. Guys doing ridiculous exercises are publicly mocked, while girls that do them are seen as attractive. Girls that up their weight twenty pounds when a guy walks into the gym will be looked upon as masculine, as well as potentially able to beat up the other guys in the gym, and are therefore undateable. This is also a reason that girls are to avoid the punching bags at all cost.
By following all of these tips you'll come across as a natural, and will soon be owning the gym in no time.
1. Wear as tight a shirt as possible - preferably one with the sleeves ripped off leaving a gaping hole all the way down to the level of the belly button. A 10 year old shirt without holes is simply unacceptable.
2. Grunt - Do this as often as possible. The louder the better. If Gold's Gym was a country, grunting would be the national language. Be sure to grunt while lifting weights, during conversations, after drinking from the water fountain, when you sit down, when you stand up, when you change the weight, when you walk up stairs, and as a substitute for the word "hi" when you see somebody that you know.
3. Make funny faces - while lifting it is essential that you do two things: grunt and make as absurd of a face as you possibly can. This helps to show that you are struggling with your weight and therefore, will be much more massive than all those other weenies that can't be struggling
This shows that you are not to be messed with. You're simply too strong.
5. Walk with your arms 6 inches off your side - This is normally done simply because one's armpits are really sweaty, but when asked why this is being done the answer normally runs along the lines of how their arm muscles have gotten so big that they can no longer put their arms at their side, much less in their pockets.
6. Carry a protein shake shaker - This is an essential part to any workout. These are generally filled with a $50 protein supplement from a barrel bought at GNC.
7. Drop weights right in front of the "Please Do Not Drop Weights" sign - to show that you are simply too powerful to be held down by any system.
8. Offer 'tips' to everybody within a twenty foot radius - See that football player over there? He's not doing those curls with very good form. You should probably go help him.
9. Wear shirts from bodybuilder.com - even though you clearly haven't been shopping there for long.
10. Tell others how loose that shirt used to be before you started doing so-and-so - but don't tell them that the shirt is three sizes too small...and that you've had it since you were 11.
11. Look at yourself and flex/suck it in every time you walk past a mirror - How else are you supposed to gauge your success?
These last two tips are gender specific. Please do not get them confused or you will suffer a very embarrassing outcome.
Girls: Do as ridiculous of an exercise as you can - ones that make you mimic a monkey, Richard Simmons, or some type of cross between a snake and a crane are the best.
Guys: A girl just walked into the room - up your weight twenty pounds.
Again, I cannot stress enough the importance of not getting these last two mixed up. Guys doing ridiculous exercises are publicly mocked, while girls that do them are seen as attractive. Girls that up their weight twenty pounds when a guy walks into the gym will be looked upon as masculine, as well as potentially able to beat up the other guys in the gym, and are therefore undateable. This is also a reason that girls are to avoid the punching bags at all cost.
By following all of these tips you'll come across as a natural, and will soon be owning the gym in no time.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
S.H.E and 'the Hand Game'
Today had to be one of the strangest days that I've had yet here at college. It all started shortly after church. The first thing that you need know is that every Sunday me and my friend Dave listen to Chinese music on the way to and from church. And this is no ordinary Chinese music. No, no this is none other than the amazing S.H.E, the Taiwanese version of the Spice Girls. Dave and me have taken the laborious task upon ourself to expose the U.S. to the wonders of S.H.E. Anyway, after church we went to eat in at a pretty well known Mexican restaurant in town. As we were leaving to pay the bill, I stopped for a second to listen to the music in the restaurant, thinking I heard a familiar tune. Sure enough, it was none other than Don't Say Sorry by S.H.E. At first I was excited just to find that someone else besides us two listened to them, but as I thought about it I realized something. Why were they playing Chinese music at a Mexican restaurant? I suppose that Dave and me are doing a pretty good job, at least, that's the only explanation that I can give.
After we had finished eating we decided to hit up the local Wal-Mart for some much needed poptarts (Dave) and granola bars/apples (me). As we were walking in the store, an elderly Chinese man stopped us. He mentioned, as he pulled out a wad of cash, that he would give me $20 if I did something for him. I immediately thought, "Oh great, I'm about to be involved in some kind of drug deal". But no, I was wrong. The man said that he wanted to play a game. I didn't know what kind of game that elderly Chinese men are willing to pay somebody $20 for, but I had a hunch that I probably didn't want to play. The man said that it was called 'the hand game'. The object of the game is to on the count of three, either pull or push your oponent's hand causing him to lose his balance and move his foot. If I won, the man said that he would pay me $20. However, he avoided my questions regarding what would happen if I lost. I made it clear that I wasn't going to pay him $20 if he won, and figured that if he did happen to beat me and demanded payment, that I would probably be able to outrun him.
So, I played the game. As the man took hold of my hand, a million thoughts were going through my mind, most of them involving how this man was probably about to play some cruel practical joke on me and throw me to the ground like some sort of ninja. (You would have thought this too if an elderly Asian man had just grabbed your hand laughing the entire time.) The man counted to three, and with a slight twinge of guilt, I yanked the old man behind me. However, he said that I cheated (of course), and that my foot had moved when I yanked him. So, we played again. This time, deciding to show the old man who's a cheater, I decided to push, although now that I think about it, I would've felt really bad if I had pushed an old man onto the ground. Sadly, as I pushed, the man pulled, and I lost my balance and moved my foot. The old man thought this was hilarious and began asking me "What happened? What happened? Your foot went like this! (as he points to his feet and acts like a ballerina)."
I laughed as well, mainly because Dave was cracking up, and told the man that I thought he cheated on the first round. The man laughed and let me go. Then as we walked away I began to wonder where that had come from. Is this some kind of game that old people like to play just for kicks? I still had my wallet, I hadn't been thrown to the ground/mugged, and I hadn't been swindled out of any money. I guess he just likes challenging people to a epic round of the hand game. I don't know what exactly his intentions were, but what I do know is this. Next time, I'm gonna win.
After we had finished eating we decided to hit up the local Wal-Mart for some much needed poptarts (Dave) and granola bars/apples (me). As we were walking in the store, an elderly Chinese man stopped us. He mentioned, as he pulled out a wad of cash, that he would give me $20 if I did something for him. I immediately thought, "Oh great, I'm about to be involved in some kind of drug deal". But no, I was wrong. The man said that he wanted to play a game. I didn't know what kind of game that elderly Chinese men are willing to pay somebody $20 for, but I had a hunch that I probably didn't want to play. The man said that it was called 'the hand game'. The object of the game is to on the count of three, either pull or push your oponent's hand causing him to lose his balance and move his foot. If I won, the man said that he would pay me $20. However, he avoided my questions regarding what would happen if I lost. I made it clear that I wasn't going to pay him $20 if he won, and figured that if he did happen to beat me and demanded payment, that I would probably be able to outrun him.
So, I played the game. As the man took hold of my hand, a million thoughts were going through my mind, most of them involving how this man was probably about to play some cruel practical joke on me and throw me to the ground like some sort of ninja. (You would have thought this too if an elderly Asian man had just grabbed your hand laughing the entire time.) The man counted to three, and with a slight twinge of guilt, I yanked the old man behind me. However, he said that I cheated (of course), and that my foot had moved when I yanked him. So, we played again. This time, deciding to show the old man who's a cheater, I decided to push, although now that I think about it, I would've felt really bad if I had pushed an old man onto the ground. Sadly, as I pushed, the man pulled, and I lost my balance and moved my foot. The old man thought this was hilarious and began asking me "What happened? What happened? Your foot went like this! (as he points to his feet and acts like a ballerina)."
I laughed as well, mainly because Dave was cracking up, and told the man that I thought he cheated on the first round. The man laughed and let me go. Then as we walked away I began to wonder where that had come from. Is this some kind of game that old people like to play just for kicks? I still had my wallet, I hadn't been thrown to the ground/mugged, and I hadn't been swindled out of any money. I guess he just likes challenging people to a epic round of the hand game. I don't know what exactly his intentions were, but what I do know is this. Next time, I'm gonna win.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
What Does the Bible Say?
As I was looking up a verse online the other day, I stumbled across my long forgotten, yet favorite verse search engine. It contains relevant information on many pertinent subjects to life. You simply type in what you want to know about, and out comes a relevant Bible verse. Here is what the Bible says on a few.
Twinkies
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Pie
2 Corinthians 11:14
And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.
Boogers
1 Corinthians 6:12
All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything.
Eggs
Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.
Football
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
As you can see, apparently there are a plethora of subjects talked about in the Bible that I never knew about. Some of these verses are very helpful too. I find comfort in the fact that I'll never be enslaved by an army of rogue boogers, that my being a health nut is not in vain, and that I actually need football. There are some very helpful warnings as well. Maybe I should quit eating scrambled eggs for breakfast and start eating Twinkies. Who knows? Here is the link (What Does the Bible Say?) if you would like to see what the Bible says about any issue that you have not had the nerve to ask your pastor about yet. I suggest searching hot dogs, Brittney Spears, and Tweety Bird for starters.
Twinkies
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Pie
2 Corinthians 11:14
And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.
Boogers
1 Corinthians 6:12
All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be enslaved by anything.
Eggs
Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.
Football
Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
As you can see, apparently there are a plethora of subjects talked about in the Bible that I never knew about. Some of these verses are very helpful too. I find comfort in the fact that I'll never be enslaved by an army of rogue boogers, that my being a health nut is not in vain, and that I actually need football. There are some very helpful warnings as well. Maybe I should quit eating scrambled eggs for breakfast and start eating Twinkies. Who knows? Here is the link (What Does the Bible Say?) if you would like to see what the Bible says about any issue that you have not had the nerve to ask your pastor about yet. I suggest searching hot dogs, Brittney Spears, and Tweety Bird for starters.
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