Even MORE Proof God is a Practical Joker

It's finally gotten warmer outside, and we all know what comes with warm weather: spiders. Yep, that's right. In case you haven't noticed, every season has something rather sinister about it. Fall comes with hours spent raking leaves, winter results in bitter cold, spring has allergies, and summer has spiders. It's bad enough just knowing that they're outside with their long hairy legs (considering that description, I guess I should be scared of my dad as well), but add to that that for some reason, they decide that your toes look rather scrumptious as they race towards your feet during that split second you open the door to let the dog go potty before bed.

Oftentimes, you won't see them sneak by your feet into your house. Until the middle of the night that is, when you see a shadow scutter across your ceiling, and wake up to a scene like this:

1. New shirt/pants stickers - Just how many do we need? I peel off 4, and there's 2 more I'll find later that week. It's almost guaranteed that every time I wear new clothes, no matter how good I check them, somewhere (usually my hindquarters) there'll be a sticker advertising my waist size to the world.

2. Camera flash - You know those times when you see someone at the store that looks just like your friend? You decide to sneak a picture, only to discover your flash is on. Don't act like I'm weird, you know you've done it. Need an example? Here.

3. Facebook uploads - Have you noticed half of them are pictures your friend posted of you unaware, mid-chew on a hamburger?

4. Change - What you don't have at the toll both, but all you have when you run out of gas.

5. Spiders love dark, moist places - Good thing we tend to open our mouths when we sleep, huh?

6. Public sneezing - Typically while sitting in a claustrophobic room surrounded by people you don't know. I've found it's best to put your head as close to your shoes as possible, sneeze all over your socks, and then give a dirty look when the people in front of you disgustedly turn around.

7.You have to wear jeans to weed-eat - Unless, of course, you like getting the opportunity to pick gravel out of your shins. Did I mention that there's going to be a heat index of 105 while you're doing this fun character building activity?

8. Boogers - one of God's many ways of keeping your pride in check.

9. Getting hit by a bee the size of a small bird when you stick your hand out the car window - Yes, I've been there.

10. Failed magic tricks - Every small child goes through a phase where they are infatuated with magic. They sometimes go so far as to learn a few card tricks of their own. They'll spend hours practicing so that they can impress their friends. Finally the moment comes, the trick has been perfected, and the friends and family are ready. And the trick fails. Horribly. Leaving a frustrated and humiliated little kid standing there in front of those they want to impress the most. I only have one explanation for moments like these.

These are just a few things I have on my list that I'll share at the moment, and rest assured, there are many more. Until then, enjoy this small list above (and maybe these ones too!), and remain aware, as a practical joker loves to strike when least expected.

Even More Proof that God is a Practical Joker

It's May, and around here that means that it's time to harvest the hay. Most people pay no attention to May, but I have no choice, considering that I'm terribly allergic to the stuff. As I was sniffling and sneezing the other day, it dawned on me: what a cruel joke this is. Here I am horribly allergic to hay, just being around it, particularly when it's cut, makes my life miserable, and guess where I live. Yep, a hay farm. As I thought about this, it brought to mind my previous findings on why God must be a practical joker (Proof #1 & Proof #2). After much more thought, and musing on some previous experiences, I think I've found some more irrefutable proof that God is a practical joker.

1. Ugly babies - You waited 9 months for that?

2. I like listening to my iPod when I run - too bad my treadmill likes filling my body with static electricity.

3. Sitting across from "spitters" in the school cafeteria - You know, there's nothing quite as appalling as watching someone's saliva soar through the air and landing somewhere on your plate while you're talking to them. I think one of the reasons God made these people was for kicks and giggles. From putting hot sauce on someone's glass, to rigging the salt shaker to spill everywhere; ruining someone's food is a classic sign of a practical joker.They're great people to be friends with if you're trying to loose weight though.

4. Causing your parents to think about you in the middle of a test - on the one day you forget to silence your phone.

5. Driver's license pictures - Have you ever had a good one? Me neither.

6. The first round of American Idol - God made their voices for our entertainment.

7. At home I'm extremely graceful - I can drink a glass of water, cook an omelet, swiffer the floor, and juggle 4 glasses all at the same time. But put me at a friend's house that I don't know very well, and I'm almost guaranteed to break that glass I just reached for.

8. I told God I'd do whatever He wants, as long as I can stay in Virginia. - He called me to China.

9. For some reason I keep forgetting to take my socks off - right before I get in the shower.

10. Appalachian Trail through-hikers - For 3 months out of every year, men and women hiking from Georgia to Maine come through my state. These people are stinky, wear dirty clothes, carry everything they own with them, and need to shave (sometimes the women too). I love the Appalachian Trail, and love to talk with these people, but sometimes conversations like this happen: "Hey, are you hiking the Appalachian Trail? You smell like a hiker." ( a common AT joke and greeting) To which the person replies, "No, I'm homeless."

As you can see, the evidence that God is a practical joker is almost insurmountable. This amounts to thirty-one different reasons that God must be a practical joker. With this much evidence, it can almost be considered a fact. So watch your back, and remember that the greatest sign of a practical joker is that you can never get them back, and they never quit. I mentioned before that God was going to get me again sometime in the near future. This list is proof that I was right. So rest assured, God will get me again, and He'll probably get you too, and when He does, He's gonna get us good.

More Proof That God is a Practical Joker

A friend of mine brought up the subject of God's humor the other day, and I couldn't help but think about this. I've had some more time to think about it now, and I think I've come up with even more definitive proof, some of which is based on personal experience (try to guess which), that God is a practical joker.

1. Your house doesn't make weird noises until you're home alone- and it's night, and there's a thunderstorm, and the power's out.

2. People that are terrified of flying end up in the plane that hits turbulence - and the people with weak stomachs end up sitting beside them.

3. It rains more on weekends than weekdays- you know that event you had planned? Forget about it.

4. God convicts you to help a little old lady move her firewood - and then He puts a spider the size of a pumpkin under the first log you grab.

5. People love to swim. - Sharks do too.  'nuff said.

6. Make plans - as the saying goes, if you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans. And then sit back and watch as He hopelessly destroys them. Kind of like when your brother kicks over the sand castle you just made.

7. Have you ever dropped your keys in the toilet? -Yeah, God did that.

8. Nightmares - considering nyctophobia (fear of the dark) is one of the most common and shared fears known to man, I consider this playing dirty. Apparently, it's just not enough to get you when you're awake. Everyone knows that the best practical jokes are played when the victim is completely unsuspecting. And when is one more unsuspecting than when they're asleep? Just when you think you're safe, BOOM, you're running down a hallway with the boogeyman chasing you. And your shoes are made of cinder blocks.

9. You're playing disc golf with your brother and he throws the frisbee right in the middle of a road construction crew - whom are all wearing orange jumpsuits and have a cop standing close to them. You can imagine the feeling a 16 year old guy and his little brother get as they watch their frisbee mysteriously drift away from the intended target and land in the middle of a bunch of convicts.

10. Your seat comes unbuckled at the top of the hill of a rollercoaster - and it's your first one. Luckily, God loves you enough to have your friend who is roughly the size of a small gorilla sitting next to you. That way he can hold you down as you fly through the air of your cart.

Once again, I say that the evidence still points to the fact that God is a practical joker. And the scary thing is that sooner or later, I'm going to have even more examples, and not from just thinking about it either. Nope, He's going to get me. And rest assured (or maybe not, considering #8), that when it happens, that He's gonna get me good.

Proof God is a Practical Joker

For some reason, right before I fall asleep, ridiculous questions come into my head. Ones that are certainly insignificant on a cosmic scale, but nevertheless, are interesting to think about. Things such as whether or not the creator of the pogo stick originally intended it as a means of transportation, what's God's favorite food, or what was Jesus' blood type? (I actually got into a debate with a guy on my hall with this one. I claimed that He must have been type O because His blood is for all, while he held the position that it must be type AB because He accepts everybody.) One that's been going through my head recently is exactly what type of humor does God have? After thinking and observing some different aspects from my own life for a little while, I think that if anything, God is a practical joker. He must be. Here are some examples that I think help prove my point.

1. Drinking water makes hot peppers even hotter - this is a classic example. Just what you think will relieve you of the torment that is occurring inside your own mouth due to the foolish dare from a friend actually makes it ten times worse. I can picture God laughing as one's eyes begin to water and their face turns as red as the pepper they just ate.

2. Spiders have a tendency to build their webs right around face level - after all, arachnophobia is one of the top ten most common phobias. Of course they're going to build them at face level. You know how your friends all point and laugh as you're running around screaming hysterically? That's what I picture God doing every time this happens to me.

3. Guys get acne right around the same time that they have to begin shaving - have you ever shaved off a pimple?

4. Arguably one of the healthiest foods on the planet is a type of pond sludge - positively correlated with why it is so hard for people to lose weight. The nastier something tastes, the healthier it is.

5. Your stomach doesn't make funny noises until the room gets quiet - at which point you begin to pray that God will have mercy and just make it stop.

6. Birds don't have to poop until you're all dressed up and/or you're running late - I think that you'll agree with me on this one. Everyone has their own bird poop story, they just do their best to keep it under wraps. Just be thankful it was a little chickadee instead of a goose or something. I imagine it was even worse when pterodactyls roamed the sky, which makes me a little more sympathetic towards Adam and Eve. Speaking of which, I bet that the fruit that they ate that completely ruined their lives didn't even taste good. It was one of those "HA! Gotcha!" moments.

7.Circumcision - Why? I bet Abraham was asking the same question.

8. Rain and extremely powerful wind seem to be intertwined with one another - rendering umbrellas completely useless

9. Nothing wraps around your leg until the water gets murky - yeah, see that seaweed around your leg that caused you to scream like a little girl in front of all your friends? God put that there.

10. Babies are nocturnal - the complete opposite of the rest of the population.

11. You can't get God back -  He knows everything. You know the feeling. That guy you know that gets you every time, while every plan of yours to get them back seems to fail miserably. It's the sign of a seasoned practical jokester, and further adds to the "Gotcha!" sensation.

As you can see, all of the evidence points to God being a practical joker. It just makes sense. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. I've been sitting outside as I've been typing this and just now realized that I've been sitting in an ant nest the entire time. This is unfair.