It's that time of year again. Through-hiker season!, the few weeks in June when the majority of those through-hiking (going from Georgia to Maine) the Appalachian Trail pass through nearby to where I live. It's the time of year when one can come across individuals known as Leprechaun, Frenchy, Stinky, or my personal favorite, Cosmic John. If this doesn't make any sense, everybody that hikes on the trail sooner or later picks up a trail name based on a personal characteristic. Leprechaun was 4'5" with a red beard, Frenchy was from France, Stinky smelled, and I'm assuming Cosmic John used to use drugs, a lot.
I decided to set out to meet this year's most recent group in town. Knowing that the average through-hiker can burn well over 6,000 calories a day, I decided that instead of being that weird creepy guy that just shows up wanting to talk, I would hit up the Food Lion on my way out the door to be certain that I would be welcome. I then raced to the nearest, and often busiest, hiker campground only to find that it was completely deserted. Well, maybe not completely deserted. The campsite stretched a good distance into the trees and figuring that somebody would be way in the back I kept walking. My intuition proved itself correct, because I did find someone, at least their clothes anyway. The site is bordered by a river, which apparently happens to be a great place to go skinny dipping. I decided that I could find someone else to talk with instead.
When I finally got to where all the hikers were (a local hostel), I found that they were all (about 20) plopped down in front of a TV watching Tron. I said hi and that I had brought some Coke for them. They said thanks. Then I said that I had brought bananas for them too. This time they said thank you a little louder and with much more enthusiasm. Then I mentioned that I had brought ice cream sandwiches as well. At this the entire room erupted with cheers as smelly, greasy people came up to me and shook my hand, asked for my name, and gave up their seats for me so that I could watch the movie with them. I think that's the moment I won their trust.
It was an awesome night. We all watched the movie as jokes were made, and luke-warm Cokes (I looked for the hikers at the original site longer than initially expected) were passed around. I even picked up a trail name, Flip Flop! I did a lot of praying too. Mainly due to the guy beside me picking the skin off his foot and throwing it into the trash can on the other side of me though. I think for the most part they were answered. I never got hit, anyway, but his hands never got the severe cramps that I was praying for.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A Broken Bottle
As I looked into the distance as I was walking down the beach the other day, I was surprised to see that something very shiny had just washed up in the surf. At first, I thought that it was probably somebody's old trash that they had simply been too lazy to throw away, but my curiosity got the best of me, and so I went to see what it was anyway. As I got closer, I realized that I had just stumbled upon (great website, by the way) what just about everybody that's ever been to a beach has dreamed of finding, a message in a bottle.
As I picked it up to get a closer look, I thought that some grandma somewhere had recently found a great way to bond with her grandkids. However, as I looked closer I didn't see the colored pirate ships and dinosaurs that I was expecting, but instead a younger woman's handwriting. The bottle didn't look to be too old. It was a 2010 Italian Pinot Grigio (I'm not sure what that says about the woman's tastes), and the label on the bottle was not worn barely at all. In fact, it looked like it could have been thrown in the water the day I picked it up, and seeing that I found it about 200 yards from a fishing pier, the owner was probably nervously watching as I picked it up.
As soon as I got back to the house I gathered my family and we cracked open the bottle as carefully as we could. The moment that the contents of the bottle were within reach, hands shot out from everywhere grabbing every last piece of paper that had previously been inside. It turns out that the message was one lady's form of venting. My little sisters quickly figured this out and put the pages back. Within those pages a plethora of people were addressed, in especially not-nice language, stating the ways that they had done her wrong. These peoples' lack of judgment, sheer stupidity, and extreme incompetence were all discussed over and over again. It turns out that the lady had watched as a coworker who had been there three months got promoted over her, who had been there three years, as she looked on in anger and frustration, and that this bottle was the only way that she could truly express what she was feeling (and boy, did she express it!).
I'm not sure what I really learned from this. Probably, that if I put a message in a bottle someday, I'm going to put a fake treasure map inside to get the reader's hopes up.Think about how much cooler of a post this would have been! I'd be writing about my preparations for a nationwide treasure hunt, instead of a random angry person. However, I did learn what this lady's grocery list was, as it was scratched out at the top of one of pages. Looks like watermelon and toilet paper were on the list for this week.
As soon as I got back to the house I gathered my family and we cracked open the bottle as carefully as we could. The moment that the contents of the bottle were within reach, hands shot out from everywhere grabbing every last piece of paper that had previously been inside. It turns out that the message was one lady's form of venting. My little sisters quickly figured this out and put the pages back. Within those pages a plethora of people were addressed, in especially not-nice language, stating the ways that they had done her wrong. These peoples' lack of judgment, sheer stupidity, and extreme incompetence were all discussed over and over again. It turns out that the lady had watched as a coworker who had been there three months got promoted over her, who had been there three years, as she looked on in anger and frustration, and that this bottle was the only way that she could truly express what she was feeling (and boy, did she express it!).
 |
| She must have been angry. There's over 30 pages here! |
Monday, May 23, 2011
Proof God is a Practical Joker
For some reason, right before I fall asleep, ridiculous questions come into my head. Ones that are certainly insignificant on a cosmic scale, but nevertheless, are interesting to think about. Things such as whether or not the creator of the pogo stick originally intended it as a means of transportation, what's God's favorite food, or what was Jesus' blood type? (I actually got into a debate with a guy on my hall with this one. I claimed that He must have been type O because His blood is for all, while he held the position that it must be type AB because He accepts everybody.) One that's been going through my head recently is exactly what type of humor does God have? After thinking and observing some different aspects from my own life for a little while, I think that if anything, God is a practical joker. He must be. Here are some examples that I think help prove my point.
1. Drinking water makes hot peppers even hotter - this is a classic example. Just what you think will relieve you of the torment that is occurring inside your own mouth due to the foolish dare from a friend actually makes it ten times worse. I can picture God laughing as one's eyes begin to water and their face turns as red as the pepper they just ate.
2. Spiders have a tendency to build their webs right around face level - after all, arachnophobia is one of the top ten most common phobias. Of course they're going to build them at face level. You know how your friends all point and laugh as you're running around screaming hysterically? That's what I picture God doing every time this happens to me.
3. Guys get acne right around the same time that they have to begin shaving - have you ever shaved off a pimple?
4. Arguably one of the healthiest foods on the planet is a type of pond sludge - positively correlated with why it is so hard for people to lose weight. The nastier something tastes, the healthier it is.
5. Your stomach doesn't make funny noises until the room gets quiet - at which point you begin to pray that God will have mercy and just make it stop.
6. Birds don't have to poop until you're all dressed up and/or you're running late - I think that you'll agree with me on this one. Everyone has their own bird poop story, they just do their best to keep it under wraps. Just be thankful it was a little chickadee instead of a goose or something. I imagine it was even worse when pterodactyls roamed the sky, which makes me a little more sympathetic towards Adam and Eve. Speaking of which, I bet that the fruit that they ate that completely ruined their lives didn't even taste good. It was one of those "HA! Gotcha!" moments.
7.Circumcision - Why? I bet Abraham was asking the same question.
8. Rain and extremely powerful wind seem to be intertwined with one another - rendering umbrellas completely useless
9. Nothing wraps around your leg until the water gets murky - yeah, see that seaweed around your leg that caused you to scream like a little girl in front of all your friends? God put that there.
10. Babies are nocturnal - the complete opposite of the rest of the population.
11. You can't get God back - He knows everything. You know the feeling. That guy you know that gets you every time, while every plan of yours to get them back seems to fail miserably. It's the sign of a seasoned practical jokester, and further adds to the "Gotcha!" sensation.
As you can see, all of the evidence points to God being a practical joker. It just makes sense. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. I've been sitting outside as I've been typing this and just now realized that I've been sitting in an ant nest the entire time. This is unfair.
1. Drinking water makes hot peppers even hotter - this is a classic example. Just what you think will relieve you of the torment that is occurring inside your own mouth due to the foolish dare from a friend actually makes it ten times worse. I can picture God laughing as one's eyes begin to water and their face turns as red as the pepper they just ate.
2. Spiders have a tendency to build their webs right around face level - after all, arachnophobia is one of the top ten most common phobias. Of course they're going to build them at face level. You know how your friends all point and laugh as you're running around screaming hysterically? That's what I picture God doing every time this happens to me.
3. Guys get acne right around the same time that they have to begin shaving - have you ever shaved off a pimple?
4. Arguably one of the healthiest foods on the planet is a type of pond sludge - positively correlated with why it is so hard for people to lose weight. The nastier something tastes, the healthier it is.
5. Your stomach doesn't make funny noises until the room gets quiet - at which point you begin to pray that God will have mercy and just make it stop.
6. Birds don't have to poop until you're all dressed up and/or you're running late - I think that you'll agree with me on this one. Everyone has their own bird poop story, they just do their best to keep it under wraps. Just be thankful it was a little chickadee instead of a goose or something. I imagine it was even worse when pterodactyls roamed the sky, which makes me a little more sympathetic towards Adam and Eve. Speaking of which, I bet that the fruit that they ate that completely ruined their lives didn't even taste good. It was one of those "HA! Gotcha!" moments.
7.Circumcision - Why? I bet Abraham was asking the same question.
8. Rain and extremely powerful wind seem to be intertwined with one another - rendering umbrellas completely useless
9. Nothing wraps around your leg until the water gets murky - yeah, see that seaweed around your leg that caused you to scream like a little girl in front of all your friends? God put that there.
10. Babies are nocturnal - the complete opposite of the rest of the population.
11. You can't get God back - He knows everything. You know the feeling. That guy you know that gets you every time, while every plan of yours to get them back seems to fail miserably. It's the sign of a seasoned practical jokester, and further adds to the "Gotcha!" sensation.
As you can see, all of the evidence points to God being a practical joker. It just makes sense. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go. I've been sitting outside as I've been typing this and just now realized that I've been sitting in an ant nest the entire time. This is unfair.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Two Nights on the AT
Earlier this week I got off of the Appalachian Trail. I've had an interest in the trail for about three years now. A friend and I hiked around 105 miles of it as soon as we graduated from high school. Now every time that I drive by it, I'm reminded of what it was like to be out there and how much I miss it. I have hopes, which may never be realized (kind of like my owning a motorcycle one), of someday through hiking the entire thing. As a result, I take every opportunity that I can to get back out there again.
Getting back on the trail seemed like a fitting way to finish off another year of college. No more papers, exams, or early morning classes for a while. Just whatever you are able to carry with you into the woods. My roommate and I decided that we were going to take a 30 mile, 2 night trip.Not that bad of a hike, but tough enough to make you feel as if you did something. The hiking the first night went fine. We started a little late (7pm), but the weather was perfect, and the coolness of the night kept us from having to take a lot of breaks. As we rolled into camp around 10:30p, I quickly remembered one of the three things that I absolutely detest about backpacking, sleeping. (The other two are brushing my teeth and using a privy. For some reason, you can never get the taste of dried pineapple out of your mouth. As for the privy part, do I really need to go into detail?)
Things were fine the entire night. It wasn't until morning that we began to have problems. From 6-7 in the morning, person after person kept on walking literally inches away from our tent. Normally you might be able to sleep through somebody walking right past you, but not in the woods. Leaves crunch, you're naturally more alert, and there's only a thin sheet of canvas separating you from what your imagination perceives to be the hill billy version of Freddy. I couldn't imagine why someone would decide to walk so close to our tent. After all, were the woods not big enough for all of us? Everything finally made sense when we got up. Due to it being extremely dark when we finally made it to camp, we could not see where we were setting up the tent. It turned out that we were right on the path to the privy. That sounds that we kept on hearing were the sounds of a dozen bitter hikers, stumbling to shuffle their way around our tent just so that they could use the bathroom.
Things did not get much better the next night. After about a 15 mile day, we finally made it to our shelter around 3:30pm. We set up our tent (well away from the privy this time), talked with some hikers ("Oh, so y'all were the guys."), and decided to eat dinner at 5pm. Dinner was amazing. Various forms of chicken were served as well as, beef stew, tuna soup, and to top it all off, fried spam for dessert (yum). After eating we put the trash by one of the sides of the tent, our first mistake, and went back up to talk with the other hikers. One thing that you must understand about the woods is that you must hang up your food and trash. If you don't you will have an army of bears, skunks, opossum, deer, and various other woodland creatures right at your front door begging to get in (tent door, that is). (One night when I was with my friend from high school, he left a granola bar in his bag. We were up the entire night listening to a hundred different rodents hop around and shake that stupid wrapper all night.)
Anyway, as we were getting ready for bed, we put all of our food and what we thought was all of our trash into a bag and hung it on something called a bear pole. Everything except, of course, the very fragrant remains of our dinner. Not long afterwards we went to sleep. Everything was fine until about 10:30p. It was then that I woke to find the side of the tent parallel to me stretching inwards about a foot like something was pushing it. After pushing the tent three more times, whatever it was finally found what it was after, the pile of yummy delicious goodness that's known as leftover fried spam and tuna soup residue. Unfortunately, that pile of assorted meat parts was right beside my head. Whatever it was that had previously been causing the entire side of the tent to bulge inwards was now poking me in the head.
The first couple of times were kind of scary (ya think?). I quickly got up and hit the tent only to hear something go tromping through the woods and then return 45 seconds later. This routine of me getting bumped, swatting the tent, listening to something go running off into the woods and then return, continued for about 2 hours. Then I fell asleep. It's not that the poking me in the head stopped, but I was so tired that I think I fell asleep between swats. Then around 5am I woke to the sound of an army of vicious little mice chewing. I wasn't getting poked anymore, but the sound of a thousand little rodent mouths gnawing away at garbage right beside my head quickly got annoying, and so I finally did what I should have done all along, flipped my sleeping bag around so that my feet could deal with whatever beast was outside instead.
When we woke up we discussed what could have possibly been the source of my sleeplessness. Bears, deer, skunks, and even Sasquatch were discussed (though when I mentioned Sasquatch my roommate was quick to reply that he thought they weren't allowed off the reservation). In the end, I think that I've come to the conclusion that it was just a really big raccoon.
The next day was amazing. A seven mile hike to the top of two mountains, two stream crossings, and getting lost in horse country made for an awesome hike, but I've learned my lesson. From now on, if I'm going to forget to hang up the trash, I'm secretly making someone else sleep beside it.
Getting back on the trail seemed like a fitting way to finish off another year of college. No more papers, exams, or early morning classes for a while. Just whatever you are able to carry with you into the woods. My roommate and I decided that we were going to take a 30 mile, 2 night trip.Not that bad of a hike, but tough enough to make you feel as if you did something. The hiking the first night went fine. We started a little late (7pm), but the weather was perfect, and the coolness of the night kept us from having to take a lot of breaks. As we rolled into camp around 10:30p, I quickly remembered one of the three things that I absolutely detest about backpacking, sleeping. (The other two are brushing my teeth and using a privy. For some reason, you can never get the taste of dried pineapple out of your mouth. As for the privy part, do I really need to go into detail?)
Things were fine the entire night. It wasn't until morning that we began to have problems. From 6-7 in the morning, person after person kept on walking literally inches away from our tent. Normally you might be able to sleep through somebody walking right past you, but not in the woods. Leaves crunch, you're naturally more alert, and there's only a thin sheet of canvas separating you from what your imagination perceives to be the hill billy version of Freddy. I couldn't imagine why someone would decide to walk so close to our tent. After all, were the woods not big enough for all of us? Everything finally made sense when we got up. Due to it being extremely dark when we finally made it to camp, we could not see where we were setting up the tent. It turned out that we were right on the path to the privy. That sounds that we kept on hearing were the sounds of a dozen bitter hikers, stumbling to shuffle their way around our tent just so that they could use the bathroom.
Things did not get much better the next night. After about a 15 mile day, we finally made it to our shelter around 3:30pm. We set up our tent (well away from the privy this time), talked with some hikers ("Oh, so y'all were the guys."), and decided to eat dinner at 5pm. Dinner was amazing. Various forms of chicken were served as well as, beef stew, tuna soup, and to top it all off, fried spam for dessert (yum). After eating we put the trash by one of the sides of the tent, our first mistake, and went back up to talk with the other hikers. One thing that you must understand about the woods is that you must hang up your food and trash. If you don't you will have an army of bears, skunks, opossum, deer, and various other woodland creatures right at your front door begging to get in (tent door, that is). (One night when I was with my friend from high school, he left a granola bar in his bag. We were up the entire night listening to a hundred different rodents hop around and shake that stupid wrapper all night.)
Anyway, as we were getting ready for bed, we put all of our food and what we thought was all of our trash into a bag and hung it on something called a bear pole. Everything except, of course, the very fragrant remains of our dinner. Not long afterwards we went to sleep. Everything was fine until about 10:30p. It was then that I woke to find the side of the tent parallel to me stretching inwards about a foot like something was pushing it. After pushing the tent three more times, whatever it was finally found what it was after, the pile of yummy delicious goodness that's known as leftover fried spam and tuna soup residue. Unfortunately, that pile of assorted meat parts was right beside my head. Whatever it was that had previously been causing the entire side of the tent to bulge inwards was now poking me in the head.
The first couple of times were kind of scary (ya think?). I quickly got up and hit the tent only to hear something go tromping through the woods and then return 45 seconds later. This routine of me getting bumped, swatting the tent, listening to something go running off into the woods and then return, continued for about 2 hours. Then I fell asleep. It's not that the poking me in the head stopped, but I was so tired that I think I fell asleep between swats. Then around 5am I woke to the sound of an army of vicious little mice chewing. I wasn't getting poked anymore, but the sound of a thousand little rodent mouths gnawing away at garbage right beside my head quickly got annoying, and so I finally did what I should have done all along, flipped my sleeping bag around so that my feet could deal with whatever beast was outside instead.
 |
| The source of my frustration |
The next day was amazing. A seven mile hike to the top of two mountains, two stream crossings, and getting lost in horse country made for an awesome hike, but I've learned my lesson. From now on, if I'm going to forget to hang up the trash, I'm secretly making someone else sleep beside it.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Until September
The last night of juvee was almost two weeks ago now. It feels kind of weird to actually be going to church on Wednesday instead. It was a good last night too. We took the guys in to play basketball and at the end got to talk for a little while. There wasn't much of a Bible study that night. I pretty much just thanked the guards for letting us to be able to come, and told the guys that it had been awesome getting to know them and that if they were still there by the end of the summer that I would see them then. The sad thing is that I probably will see most of them again in there too. According to the statistics, the re-incarceration rate is around 75%. I don't want to see them again in there. I want them to be able to when they get out be able to stay out. I want to run into them at Wal-Mart, work, or a restaurant or something (though if I saw them at church I'd probably be happiest). I also realize that the way that they are going to be able to stay out is through Christ, and one of my goals is to help them to realize that as well. Phillipians 4:13 says that we can do everything through Him, and yet, John 15:5 says that without Him we can't do anything. They won't be able to beat the statistics without Christ.
It truly gives one a sense of urgency to know that your time with someone is extremely short, and that you may be the only person that they'll ever meet that shares a very urgent message with them. The guys were interested in that message too. They had questions about everything, and they wanted to know more. And even though I may never see them again, I have a hope and pray that someone else will come along that will help them to find the answers.
It truly gives one a sense of urgency to know that your time with someone is extremely short, and that you may be the only person that they'll ever meet that shares a very urgent message with them. The guys were interested in that message too. They had questions about everything, and they wanted to know more. And even though I may never see them again, I have a hope and pray that someone else will come along that will help them to find the answers.
Monday, April 25, 2011
A Freshman's Survival Guide to Classes
As the time to register for classes next semester approaches, I figured that it would be very beneficial to give a brief synopsis of what you will learn in each class, to help upcoming freshmen. This is strictly based upon my own personal experience, and is in no way universal, but I do believe that it covers the majority of similar classes out there. Good luck picking your classes, and here it goes...
English 102 - English classes are mainly composed of reading bizarre, disturbing, or tedious pieces of literature and then debating about the (nonexistent) symbolism within the story
Math 110 - what you should have learned in elementary school
Philosophy 201 - how to sleep sitting up
Biology 115 - how to pray
English 221 - When looking for someone to tell an extremely long, bland personal story that no one else wants to hear about, tell an English major. Their boredom tolerance is off the charts.
Communications 101 - group projects should be avoided at all costs
Psychology 101 - Sigmund Freud was a weirdo, and even though many of his theories have been rejected today, we still continue to study him. Why? I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the shock value.
English 101 - When writing a sentence that is intended to inquire something from somebody you're supposed to put a funny little squiggly thingy that looks like this '?' at the end.
Biology 114 - Formaldehyde burns if it gets in your eyes. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "giving someone the ol' stinkeye".
Bible 110 - Hezekiah is not a book of the Bible
Math 221 - how beneficial it can be to have a roommate who's a math major
Health 216 - Smoking = Bad
Kinesiology 101 - P.E. majors have the easiest schedule of anyone on campus.
History 201 - that this semester, you will kiss reading for pleasure goodbye.
As you can see, there is much that you will learn by taking these classes. Much of what you learn will be brand new (and quickly forgotten), while, likewise, much of what you learn will have already been learned in high school (especially the sleeping sitting up part. Anyone else take high school chemistry?). Anyway, here is a brief overview. As time goes on (and I take more classes) I should be able to give more helpful, timeless pieces of advice.
English 102 - English classes are mainly composed of reading bizarre, disturbing, or tedious pieces of literature and then debating about the (nonexistent) symbolism within the story
Math 110 - what you should have learned in elementary school
Philosophy 201 - how to sleep sitting up
Biology 115 - how to pray
English 221 - When looking for someone to tell an extremely long, bland personal story that no one else wants to hear about, tell an English major. Their boredom tolerance is off the charts.
Communications 101 - group projects should be avoided at all costs
Psychology 101 - Sigmund Freud was a weirdo, and even though many of his theories have been rejected today, we still continue to study him. Why? I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the shock value.
English 101 - When writing a sentence that is intended to inquire something from somebody you're supposed to put a funny little squiggly thingy that looks like this '?' at the end.
Biology 114 - Formaldehyde burns if it gets in your eyes. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "giving someone the ol' stinkeye".
Bible 110 - Hezekiah is not a book of the Bible
Math 221 - how beneficial it can be to have a roommate who's a math major
Health 216 - Smoking = Bad
Kinesiology 101 - P.E. majors have the easiest schedule of anyone on campus.
History 201 - that this semester, you will kiss reading for pleasure goodbye.
As you can see, there is much that you will learn by taking these classes. Much of what you learn will be brand new (and quickly forgotten), while, likewise, much of what you learn will have already been learned in high school (especially the sleeping sitting up part. Anyone else take high school chemistry?). Anyway, here is a brief overview. As time goes on (and I take more classes) I should be able to give more helpful, timeless pieces of advice.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
How to Fit in at the Gym (No Pun Intended)
As the warmer weather comes around, more and more people begin their quest for the perfect 'beach body' by signing up at their local gym. However, many people, when making their first appearance in a gym since last April, quickly realize that they don't exactly fit in, leading to confusion and embarrassment. After witnessing many embarrassing attempts by the newbies coming to the gym lately I have compiled a very basic list of tips that will help you to be able to avoid such humiliation.
1. Wear as tight a shirt as possible - preferably one with the sleeves ripped off leaving a gaping hole all the way down to the level of the belly button. A 10 year old shirt without holes is simply unacceptable.
2. Grunt - Do this as often as possible. The louder the better. If Gold's Gym was a country, grunting would be the national language. Be sure to grunt while lifting weights, during conversations, after drinking from the water fountain, when you sit down, when you stand up, when you change the weight, when you walk up stairs, and as a substitute for the word "hi" when you see somebody that you know.
3. Make funny faces - while lifting it is essential that you do two things: grunt and make as absurd of a face as you possibly can. This helps to show that you are struggling with your weight and therefore, will be much more massive than all those other weenies that can't be struggling
4. Constantly look like you're about to kill somebody -
This shows that you are not to be messed with. You're simply too strong.
5. Walk with your arms 6 inches off your side - This is normally done simply because one's armpits are really sweaty, but when asked why this is being done the answer normally runs along the lines of how their arm muscles have gotten so big that they can no longer put their arms at their side, much less in their pockets.
6. Carry a protein shake shaker - This is an essential part to any workout. These are generally filled with a $50 protein supplement from a barrel bought at GNC.
7. Drop weights right in front of the "Please Do Not Drop Weights" sign - to show that you are simply too powerful to be held down by any system.
8. Offer 'tips' to everybody within a twenty foot radius - See that football player over there? He's not doing those curls with very good form. You should probably go help him.
9. Wear shirts from bodybuilder.com - even though you clearly haven't been shopping there for long.
10. Tell others how loose that shirt used to be before you started doing so-and-so - but don't tell them that the shirt is three sizes too small...and that you've had it since you were 11.
11. Look at yourself and flex/suck it in every time you walk past a mirror - How else are you supposed to gauge your success?
These last two tips are gender specific. Please do not get them confused or you will suffer a very embarrassing outcome.
Girls: Do as ridiculous of an exercise as you can - ones that make you mimic a monkey, Richard Simmons, or some type of cross between a snake and a crane are the best.
Guys: A girl just walked into the room - up your weight twenty pounds.
Again, I cannot stress enough the importance of not getting these last two mixed up. Guys doing ridiculous exercises are publicly mocked, while girls that do them are seen as attractive. Girls that up their weight twenty pounds when a guy walks into the gym will be looked upon as masculine, as well as potentially able to beat up the other guys in the gym, and are therefore undateable. This is also a reason that girls are to avoid the punching bags at all cost.
By following all of these tips you'll come across as a natural, and will soon be owning the gym in no time.
1. Wear as tight a shirt as possible - preferably one with the sleeves ripped off leaving a gaping hole all the way down to the level of the belly button. A 10 year old shirt without holes is simply unacceptable.
2. Grunt - Do this as often as possible. The louder the better. If Gold's Gym was a country, grunting would be the national language. Be sure to grunt while lifting weights, during conversations, after drinking from the water fountain, when you sit down, when you stand up, when you change the weight, when you walk up stairs, and as a substitute for the word "hi" when you see somebody that you know.
3. Make funny faces - while lifting it is essential that you do two things: grunt and make as absurd of a face as you possibly can. This helps to show that you are struggling with your weight and therefore, will be much more massive than all those other weenies that can't be struggling
This shows that you are not to be messed with. You're simply too strong.
5. Walk with your arms 6 inches off your side - This is normally done simply because one's armpits are really sweaty, but when asked why this is being done the answer normally runs along the lines of how their arm muscles have gotten so big that they can no longer put their arms at their side, much less in their pockets.
6. Carry a protein shake shaker - This is an essential part to any workout. These are generally filled with a $50 protein supplement from a barrel bought at GNC.
7. Drop weights right in front of the "Please Do Not Drop Weights" sign - to show that you are simply too powerful to be held down by any system.
8. Offer 'tips' to everybody within a twenty foot radius - See that football player over there? He's not doing those curls with very good form. You should probably go help him.
9. Wear shirts from bodybuilder.com - even though you clearly haven't been shopping there for long.
10. Tell others how loose that shirt used to be before you started doing so-and-so - but don't tell them that the shirt is three sizes too small...and that you've had it since you were 11.
11. Look at yourself and flex/suck it in every time you walk past a mirror - How else are you supposed to gauge your success?
These last two tips are gender specific. Please do not get them confused or you will suffer a very embarrassing outcome.
Girls: Do as ridiculous of an exercise as you can - ones that make you mimic a monkey, Richard Simmons, or some type of cross between a snake and a crane are the best.
Guys: A girl just walked into the room - up your weight twenty pounds.
Again, I cannot stress enough the importance of not getting these last two mixed up. Guys doing ridiculous exercises are publicly mocked, while girls that do them are seen as attractive. Girls that up their weight twenty pounds when a guy walks into the gym will be looked upon as masculine, as well as potentially able to beat up the other guys in the gym, and are therefore undateable. This is also a reason that girls are to avoid the punching bags at all cost.
By following all of these tips you'll come across as a natural, and will soon be owning the gym in no time.
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