Me: The New Nursing Assistant!

Just thought I'd let ya'll know how my first day in lab as a nursing assistant went.

I was trying to brush her teeth.

Favorite Textbook Quotes

College is 90% reading. That's one of the things that I probably should have realized about high school too, but unfortunately, reading the textbooks didn't become much of a priority until I got to college. Don't get me wrong, I read my books in high school too (actually "skimmed" is a better word), but after the first batch of tests my freshman year I realized that I'd have to actually comprehend what I read if I ever hoped to graduate with a GPA above a 1.4. It took a little while, but I think that I've gotten the hang of things now. However, as I paid better attention, I began to notice that some of the things that I'd read could come across as kind of funny when you thought about it, or had a major duh factor (sheesh, did they think I was a kinesiology major?). So, I began to make a list. Here are my favorite textbook quotes from this past semester.

1. "A second or third degree heart block in a client is a reason to discontinue exercise." - I would say it's a good one too.

2. "Exercise occurs when the person turns and moves in bed without help." - I didn't realize how healthy I must be! I exercise every morning!

3. "Pregnant women should avoid contact sports." - Football comes to mind.

4. "Peripheral Vascular Disease 4-Point Pain Scale" 
       "#3. Intense pain from which the patient's attention cannot be diverted except by catastrophic events such as a fire or explosion"
  -"Well doctor, my leg was hurting, but thanks to that earthquake now I feel fine!"

5. "Wet babies are extremely slippery."

6. "Patients with respiratory problems should discontinue exercise when they can no longer breathe." - Oh. Ok.

7. "BRP stands for bathroom privileges." - Not a right? I've been so ungrateful!

8. "Push the cuticles back with an orange stick." - And ONLY orange.

9. "Transmission of AIDS through saliva has never been reported. Therefore, it is safe to drink after AIDS patients." - Then I flipped to the next page. "Eventually, AIDS patients will develop open sores in their mouths."

10. "...a person may try to put slacks on over his or her head." - I'm not even sure what to do with this one.

11. "Signs and Symptoms of Illness in Babies"
               "#2. The baby looks sick."
                -Sounds reasonable to me.

12. "A person has electrical burns. The person is still in contact with the electrical source. What should you do?"
       "D. Cover the person with moist towels."
-Ok, so technically that one was on a test I took, but it actually made me laugh in the middle of class, so I thought it was worth sharing.

That's all I've got for the moment. Sadly, I didn't make this discovery until this past January (sigh). Oh well. Hopefully, this coming school year will give me plenty of other examples and there will be another post like this in the near future!

Even More Proof that God is a Practical Joker

It's May, and around here that means that it's time to harvest the hay. Most people pay no attention to May, but I have no choice, considering that I'm terribly allergic to the stuff. As I was sniffling and sneezing the other day, it dawned on me: what a cruel joke this is. Here I am horribly allergic to hay, just being around it, particularly when it's cut, makes my life miserable, and guess where I live. Yep, a hay farm. As I thought about this, it brought to mind my previous findings on why God must be a practical joker (Proof #1 & Proof #2). After much more thought, and musing on some previous experiences, I think I've found some more irrefutable proof that God is a practical joker.

1. Ugly babies - You waited 9 months for that?

2. I like listening to my iPod when I run - too bad my treadmill likes filling my body with static electricity.

3. Sitting across from "spitters" in the school cafeteria - You know, there's nothing quite as appalling as watching someone's saliva soar through the air and landing somewhere on your plate while you're talking to them. I think one of the reasons God made these people was for kicks and giggles. From putting hot sauce on someone's glass, to rigging the salt shaker to spill everywhere; ruining someone's food is a classic sign of a practical joker.They're great people to be friends with if you're trying to loose weight though.

4. Causing your parents to think about you in the middle of a test - on the one day you forget to silence your phone.

5. Driver's license pictures - Have you ever had a good one? Me neither.

6. The first round of American Idol - God made their voices for our entertainment.

7. At home I'm extremely graceful - I can drink a glass of water, cook an omelet, swiffer the floor, and juggle 4 glasses all at the same time. But put me at a friend's house that I don't know very well, and I'm almost guaranteed to break that glass I just reached for.

8. I told God I'd do whatever He wants, as long as I can stay in Virginia. - He called me to China.

9. For some reason I keep forgetting to take my socks off - right before I get in the shower.

10. Appalachian Trail through-hikers - For 3 months out of every year, men and women hiking from Georgia to Maine come through my state. These people are stinky, wear dirty clothes, carry everything they own with them, and need to shave (sometimes the women too). I love the Appalachian Trail, and love to talk with these people, but sometimes conversations like this happen: "Hey, are you hiking the Appalachian Trail? You smell like a hiker." ( a common AT joke and greeting) To which the person replies, "No, I'm homeless."

As you can see, the evidence that God is a practical joker is almost insurmountable. This amounts to thirty-one different reasons that God must be a practical joker. With this much evidence, it can almost be considered a fact. So watch your back, and remember that the greatest sign of a practical joker is that you can never get them back, and they never quit. I mentioned before that God was going to get me again sometime in the near future. This list is proof that I was right. So rest assured, God will get me again, and He'll probably get you too, and when He does, He's gonna get us good.

I'd Like One Too, Please

My brother and I saw this guy at Sam's Club today. He was turned around, but unfortunately the camera's flash was on, and he turned around pretty quick when the bread all around him suddenly lit up, as two slightly embarrassed, laughing guys made a rather quick exit.

Greatest Quotes of Spring '12

Another semester has come and gone, and once again I've been keeping track of some of the greatest quotes and conversations in order to give a small idea of what things have been like lately. Here you go.

• "Sil, when you're older are you gonna have a cool voice like Morgan Freeman?"
• "I'd be so ticked if my kid got pregnant. That's why I want boys."
• K-"She's one of them home school girls that stays in her room 23/7." Me-"23/7?" K-"Yeah, she's gotta go to class!"
• "Hey! Get back here! I can't be creeping on people by myself! I need an accountability partner!"
• Professor-"What's that on your face?" Girl in class-"Ringworm."
• "I took the bus the other day, and it was just me and a bunch of white people. My first thought was, 'White people take the bus?!'"
• "Hey! Quit acting like a pregnant girl!"
• Professor-"I realize a lot of this lecture is common sense, but I've got to say it for the kinesiology majors."

A College Dictionary

A new semester has begun, and I've already seen a ton of new people here on campus, many of whom are freshmen. One of the things that I remember having to deal with my freshman year was wading through the college campus "lingo". I wished that there was some type of dictionary that would help me understand what people were referring to, but there wasn't leaving the task of figuring out what different things meant completely up to me. So, new freshmen, I have taken it upon myself to make your lives a little easier this year by compiling a college dictionary for you. Here you go.

1. Professorship - a license to act as cooky, eccentric, or strange as one desires

2. Syllabus -what the professor will ask you to read when you ask a question

3. Pop quiz - a professor's attempt to destroy your GPA, morale, and dreams of a future all in one fell swoop

4. Final - a test that generally only encompasses material in the one book that you didn't read

5. Pencil - what you need for your final. Also the one thing that you forgot to bring.

6. Dirty look - what you will receive when you ask somebody for a pencil

7. Ramen - what you will be living off of the next four years. Variation doesn't help as much as you wish.

8. Alarm clock - that thing that buzzes on weekends, but for some reason not before the class you have a paper due in

9. Paper - typically a report the size of a small novel that a professor assigns you. Also, what you run out of while printing that small novel, typically on the last page, or when you're in a hurry.

10. All Nighter - 40% studying, 60% Facebook

11. Procrastination - the source for all nighters

12. Paycheck - what arrives the day after all your friends went out

13. Sleep - a precious gift from God

14. Parking enforcement - the modern day equivalent of the tax collectors of Jesus' time

15. Drumsets - a tool of Satan at 3 in the morning

16. Christmas break - 3-4 weeks of free labor for your parents

17. Freshman 15 - *see ramen


18. 7:40AM - when the most mentally intensive courses such as calculus, chemistry, or anatomy are held. Also allows most college students to see the sunrise for the first time in their lives.

So current freshmen, or even still confused sophomores, I hope that this helps, and have an awesome semester!

Hitchhiking (A Story with Pictures! Wowza!)

There are some things in our lives that we look forward to doing, maybe not so much because we know that we are going to have a good time, but because we know that it is certainly going to be an experience. For me, one of these things is hitchhiking. Though I've only done it about half a dozen times, and am certainly no expert, I've learned that you never forget a hitchhiking experience.


The first time I hitchhiked was when I was fresh out of high school. A friend and I had decided to spend a week backpacking along the Appalachian Trail. On our fifth day out there, we decided that we were going to try to pick up the pace and cover a little more mileage that day. Hitchhiking seemed the way to go. So, without much delay, we worked our way towards a winding mountain road, stuck our thumbs out, and began walking north. Not long later, a car with an elderly couple and their granddaughter slowed to a stop. My friend and I piled into the car, and buckled up tight for what proceeded to be one of the scariest rides of my life. It wasn't that the people were scary or weird, but the driving was a different story. It went kind of like this.       
 


After we got off, we gathered our things and began hiking again. It wasn't long afterwards that we decided to hitchhike again (short memory span, I guess). In all, we hitched rides about three or four times that day, with the other picker-upper people causing much less of a commotion. I actually fell asleep on one of the rides! And when I woke up I wasn't missing my wallet or kidneys!


However, the most recent trip hitchhiking was a different story. It reminded me a lot about my first time hitchhiking, actually.


I had spent the day hiking through the woods, on a cold wintry day (it was actually snowing), and had just finished hiking about six miles. The trail led me across a road, and as I was done with my hike, I pulled out my map to check to see whether the road would take me back to my car. To my surprise, I found that I had actually hiked a lot farther out than I had originally anticipated, and that the road did in fact lead to my car. My ribs had been hurting as I hiked (no idea why), and I figured that if I took the road back, I could avoid backtracking a rather difficult trail, and hopefully, due to pavement and less hills, I could make it back much faster than by taking the trail. And, perchance my ribs was a case of something serious, I decreased my chance of dying a slow, painful death alone in the wilderness (this was probably the main thinking behind my decision).


And so began my journey back to my car. Before I go any farther, it's important to mention that it was about three in the afternoon when I started heading back. The sun would set around five, and I figured that it would take me about two hours to get back, just in time for nightfall. What I didn't factor in though, was that the road I was taking took a windy, super steep path straight up a mountain that was completely out of the way. How I didn't realize this before, I don't know. 

As I began walking, I quickly realized that the lack of trees around me allowed gigantic gusts of freezing air to come down and sap any heat I had straight out of my face. Luckily, I had a face wrap thingy that helped to keep some of the wind out. Also, due to it's being hunting season, I had a large goofy looking orange hat that I was wearing to keep from getting shot (I saw hunters on my way in). These two articles of clothing had the combined effect of making me look like a ninja-hobo. Realizing how ridiculous I looked, I understood that there was no way that anybody was going to give the ninja-hobo a ride. Would you have given a guy that looked like this a ride? I don't think so. 

So I kept walking. I walked for about an hour, as small children on school buses stared as they drove by, dogs barked maniacally, and people gathered firewood (like the school children, also staring). Eventually, a lady in a truck even slowed down to almost a complete stop, stuck her head back out the window, and watched me for a moment, before speeding on by. Apparently, I looked weirder than I thought. 


I eventually got to the base of the gigantic, windy-road mountain. Preparing for the worst, I swallowed and began to walk forward. But as I did, suddenly a shout came from behind me. It was the lady from the truck! She asked if I needed a ride (so I didn't stick my thumb out, not technically hitchhiking. But I hitched a ride, and I was hiking, so it counts), and I said sure, as I tried to avoid her pitbull-ish dog that came running at me. She restrained the dog, and told me to hop in the truck. Before I did though, she ran inside her house real quick and came out with a beer. "Mind if I drink?", she asked. 

At this point I reached a dilemma. Here a woman stood before me asking me if I would willingly put my life on the line as she drank an ice cold beer while driving me up a steep, windy mountain road. 


It's important to go a little into my background here. For some reason, my entire life both my parents and grandparents have made it their life goal to establish an irrational fear of cars in me, and to convince me that cars are the second most dangerous objects on the planet, right after nukes. The day that I got my license, my dad actually handed me a folder full of newspaper clippings that he'd been collecting for who-knows-how-long, full of stories of people that had died or been maimed for life in car accidents. My grandparents have also made it their job to notify me whenever somebody they know, even remotely, has been in an accident. So, when asked whether it was ok for her to drink while driving, all of this was going through my mind. 

What was I supposed to do? "Why yes, I actually do mind if you drink while driving me to my car." That would have ended up with her telling me to walk the rest of the way, and painted me as the rude, ungracious stranger. So, conscious that somewhat soon I myself might be a newspaper clipping, I said it was fine, hopped in the truck, and buckled the seat belt as tight as I possibly could (if you suck it in, it helps). 

And so, the lady drove, with the steering wheel in one hand, and a beer in the other. We began up the mountain road, which turned out to be loose gravel, and every bit as bad as I thought. It was also extremely narrow, and had no guard rails, meaning the entire thing was a series of unprotected cliffs. The lady, whom never told me her name (though she did ask for mine, both first and last), put her foot to the gas until we were going an easy forty-five. 


As we drifted around the corners (no kidding), periodically spun out, and dodged the occasional oncoming car, the lady apologized for her driving to me. She said she was only driving like this because she knew the road so well. I wanted to tell her it was because of the bottle in her hand. 


The road soon came to an end (though not soon enough), and the kind stranger dropped me off at my car at precisely five o' clock. It turns out I was lucky she'd "found" me. There were bears all over that area, and if I had walked I wouldn't have made it back until well after nightfall. Debating as to whether it would have been wiser to brave the bears, I thanked the lady as both she, and I, drove off.