Greatest Quotes Of Fall '12

*Sigh* Another semester has gone by, and though it certainly wasn't fast, and has been the craziest almost 5ish months in my life, I still managed to keep track of a few of the greatest quotes around campus, and at home (for break stuff), to give you an idea of how things have been going. Here are a few.

• W - "Did you know that if you try to iron a carpet because it looks wrinkly, this thin plastic stuff melts, and gets all over the iron?" Me - "Did you try it?" W - "Yeah, last semester."
• (little sister holding stethoscope) "I wonder what it sounds like if you fart in this thing?"
• (same sister, still holding stethoscope) "Wowww, that's cool! And it's not even electric!"
• W - "One time in high school we had a quiz on the periodic table of the elements. We had to name an element, and I couldn't think of any, so I put thunder. It wasn't one."
• L - "Maddy! Hurry up! You're taking forEVerrrr!" M - "I'm flossing my teeth!" L - "Are you flossing behind every single tooth?" M - "THAT'S THE CONCEPT OF IT!!"
• W - "How are you related to Uncle Bobby?" Me - "He's my uncle."
• (sitting at lunch) "What would you do if I pulled off my shirt, and all below my neck was muscles and skeletons?"

Pretty Much Every Chem Study Session

Favorite Textbook Quotes 2

In just three days, I finish with probably one of the toughest/class intensive semesters of my life. Things have been crazy lately, and the amount of reading that I had to do just to stay at remotely the same pace as the rest of the class was partly the reason. Anyways, like last semester, I've been paying a lot better attention to the things that I've been reading lately, and as a result, a lot of times I find quotes that tend to make me laugh/smirkbutsaythatIlaughed. Here are a few of my favorite from this past fall.

1. "Just arriving a foreign country, you will always make a fool of youslef." - Thank you Chinese book. And no, that wasn't a spelling mistake.

2.  "The more heat an object gains, the hotter it gets." - How the heck am I failing chemistry? My dad would kill me if he read this, and then saw my grades!

3. "10-80% of female athletes have mild iron deficiency." - Thanks for narrowing that down.

4. While not technically a quote, I found this picture in my physics book.

This pretty much sums up my childhood relationship with my little brother.

 5. "Active people tend to be less obese."- Huh. Who knew?

6. "Cardiac rehabilitation programs are safe....over 80% of patients who have been reported to suffer a cardiac arrest have been successfully resuscitated with prompt defibrillation." - "Well, gosh. With odds like that sign me up for the program, doc!"

7. "Hand grip strength tends to be higher in taller and heavier people." - You mean bigger people are stronger!?

8. "Pregnant women should avoid performing the Valsalva maneuver during exercise." - "The Valsalva maneuver is when you hold your breath and push. So unless you don't want your baby to shoot across the room and hit somebody in the head, I would recommend you breath while you're doing that exercise ma'am." This just brings to mind one question: how do pregnant women poop then?

9. "Stretching exercises are effective in increasing flexibility."- Millions of gymnasts across the world just exhaled after realizing that all that stretching wasn't for naught.

10. "The antipsychotic action of lithium ions was discovered by accident in the 1940s by Australian psychiatrist John Cade as he was researching the use of uric acid, a component of urine, to treat manic depressive illness." - "Hey, maybe if they drink their pee, they'll feel better!" Once again, more proof that God is a practical joker.

That's all I've got for the moment. Luckily, I've still got another whole semester in front of me, where I can discover more quotes like these. And with grad school staring me in the face, there should be many more posts like these in the future!

Things Learned at a Nursing Home

After about two years of off-and-on searching for a way/training in order to get my foot into the door of healthcare, I was finally able to get my certification as a nurse's assistant this past summer. It took a little while to find a job afterwards, but this past July I was actually able to land a job at an assisted living home downtown (yes, I know. That's different than a nursing home. But nobody knows what assisted living is, and for the sake of sparing myself from having to describe it for the 1,563th time I just say I work at a nursing home.). I've been there about 4 months though, which is certainly not very long, but it has been long enough to teach me some very important nursing home (ahem, assisted living residence) lessons. Here are but a few of the lessons that I've learned so far:

1. I used to think farts were funny - now they just scare me.

2. How to deal with non-compliant residents - where I work, many have short term memory loss. When this happens, change the subject, wait three minutes, and ask again.

3. Babies - these are the key to making friends here fast. Walking through a nursing home with a baby is like running through a dog show slathered in bacon grease.

4. How to call 911 - if your resident is unresponsive, he's not sleeping. Call 911.

5. How to say no - like when an old lady tries to kiss your lips.

6. Use your nose - if the first thing you smell when you walk into work is raw sewage, it's not going to be a good day.

7. If you see something brown on the floor, don't pick it up to see what it is - you would think this would be a no-brainer, but no, this actually happened. It went like this:
Me: "What's that brown stuff in Mr. Dude's chair?"
Ms. Ungloved: "I don't know. Let's see."
[she picks it up, as I suffer a mild heart attack]
Ms. Ungloved: "*sniff sniff* Looks like some type of old meat."

8. Old women have no filter - I'm not even going to explain this one. If you've been around them, you know what I mean.

9. DO NOT give ice cream to a lactose intolerant person - especially when they wear diapers. And when your job is to change those diapers.

10. NEVER put your face at butt level - this ties in closely with #9.

 I'm sure there will be many more lessons in the very near future, but to be honest, I don't know whether that should excite or scare me. It will probably be a mixture of things, which I'm ok with. Just as long as most of the things I'll learn in the future aren't like #10. (I still have nightmares about that.)

To a Friend

The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them. In the same way, good deeds are obvious, and even those that are not cannot be hidden.     -1 Timothy 5:24-25

I love this verse (that may sound somewhat prideful in a minute). Just like you can't keep even your secret sins hidden, neither can you keep the secret the good things that you do either. No, I don't love this verse because it means that I'm going to be recognized for the good things I do (see? that's the part where you could have read into things), I love it because many times, we get the opportunity to see this verse in action in other peoples' lives all around us, giving us a better understanding of who that person really is, where there heart is, and causing us to thoroughly enjoy being with them the next time we see them because we feel like we've gotten away with knowing something about them that they really wish no one did (don't lie. You like that feeling too.)

I saw a perfect example of this just within this past week here at college, and as soon as I did, this verse immediately came to mind, and because of seeing it, I had to tell people just what this person did, and how grateful I am for them. My brother just started his freshman year here at the same school as me. Like just about every other college student on the planet, he doesn't have a lot of money. He and a couple of friends were hungry late one night, and decided to hit up a local fast food joint real quick for some cheap food. As he took his place in line, he stared at the menu and asked himself aloud, "Hmm, what can I get for $4?". Apparently, the guy standing right behind him heard what he said, introduced himself, and offered to pay for his meal. The guy didn't know anything about my brother, he just arrived, yet he was willing to pay for his food. What surprised me was when my brother told me the name of the guy: a friend of mine, and fellow student here at school, who likewise, probably doesn't have a ton of money hanging around just so he can pay for strangers' meals. (Does Jesus' reference to the poor widow giving to the temple come to mind?)

And so because of this, I thought this guy deserved a little recognition. This certainly isn't the first time I've seen him do something like this either, he's truly got a heart of gold. And so I say thank you Sean. You're an awesome guy, I'm praying for you, and I'm expecting you to do awesome things for God with your life. You're already doing some already.

Humor in the Bible: Joseph

I've been reading about the story of Joseph lately (in part due to the last post), and it's really filled me with awe. It's a beautiful story, and I've learned some things from reading it this time around, such as how long Joseph's storms lasted (23 years), and how God used those storms that Joseph was facing for good, but I've also been surprised at the humor withing the story, or at least what I imagine to be funny while reading the story. So I hope you have your Bible close by, or at least Biblegateway open, or something like that, and we'll take a look at the humor in the book of Joseph.

The first thing I noticed regards one of Joseph's brothers, Simeon. Joseph's family is starving and Jacob sends his sons to Egypt to buy some of the food that the Egyptians have stored. Now I imagine that this wasn't just some simple trip to the grocery store. The Bible even refers to it as a 'journey' (45:23). It had to have taken a good while to get from the house of Jacob to Egypt. When the brothers arrive in Egypt, Joseph plays a little trick on his brothers, and orders Simeon put into jail until the other brothers bring Benjamin back with them. The rest of the brothers agree, and make the long journey home. Now you would think that if you're brother was in prison, and wouldn't be freed until you returned, you would try to get back as quickly as possible. But is that what Joseph's brothers did? Nope. They waited until they'd eaten all the food they'd bought before they even thought about going back (43:2). Once again this wasn't a simple trip to the grocery store. They had to have bought at least a couple weeks of food. This leaves Simeon sitting in a cell for weeks  wondering what on earth happened to his brothers. This could possibly be explained by 49:5-7, when all the rest (for the most part) of Joseph's brothers are being blessed as Jacob dies, Simeon is cursed. Maybe no on e liked him.

The next thing that stuck out to me was 45:24. Joseph's brothers are going back home once again to tell Jacob how Joseph is still alive and all of the wonderful things that have happened to him. As the brothers are leaving, Joseph shouts out, "Don't quarrel on the way!". Was this a sarcastic referral to the end result of them quarreling before? "Hey guys! Remember that last time you all were really angry, and that stupid thing you did? You sold me into slavery! And now I'm second in command of Egypt! See ya, shepherds!"

The third thing that I found funny is probably due to my overactive imagination. What if Joseph had been doing laundry the day that Potiphar's wife grabbed his cloak as he ran off without it? We just might have the very first documented case of public streaking. I also thought it'd been funny if the sleeves were really tight, and he was able to get everything out but his hands as he's trying to run away while she's hanging on.

Lastly, and probably the most obvious source of humor in the book of Joseph, involves the baker. Joseph's just finished telling the cupbearer how awesome his life is about to get. The baker comes up to Joseph with this stupid grin on his face and all giddy as he tells his dream next, and eagerly awaits what Joseph has to say is going to happen to him. He's going to be hanged. Or as some translations put it, be impaled on a pole. Have you ever seen the face of someone who's bubble was not only just popped, but obliterated? It looks kinda like this:

Even a Murder

Something in the news caught my attention today. It was a story about a murder, and being that it was a story about a murder in China, I was instantly hooked. Upon finishing the story I was shocked. Basically, the story goes as follows: A Chinese woman by the name of Gu Kailai is being tried for the murder of Neil Heywood, a British businessman due to her belief that he had threatened her son "due to a conflict of economic interests" (read "money"). This particular story might not have attracted much attention had it not been for Gu Kailai being married to a high ranking Communist party member, Bo Xilaj, who was about to run for office for an even higher position with more power and responsibility. Unfortunately for Bo, his wife's involvement with the murder has slandered his name, and made his chances of winning office extremely minute. If you ask me, this is where the story gets interesting. Bo was an avid socialist, who believed that China was straying from its original socialist roots towards capitalism. If you take a look at China today, or at the history of socialism/communism in general, you can see that it hasn't exactly been the kindest ideological movements regarding Christianity.

It makes me wonder whether this is God protecting His people who are in China right now. Who knows what would have happened had socialist principles been further instilled and enacted upon the Chinese people? Would we have ended up with even more widespread, and more severe punishment of our brothers and sisters in China? I'm not sure, but the story of Joseph does seem to parallel this story. And though I do realize that I am certainly no expert on this particular piece of news, and probably never will be, and I also realize the danger of applying things from the Bible out of context and to where they don't belong, I think that this actually fits. Joseph's brothers took him and sold him into slavery in Egypt, meaning to be rid of him forever. It turns out that Joseph became the second in command of Egypt, eventually saving the lives of thousands. God had used this evil that man had devised, for good. He used this act of evil to save the lives of thousands. I wonder if this is the same. Maybe God can use even a murder.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  -Genesis 50:20

Here's the link to one of the articles.

Guys Tired of Sandcastles

I haven't posted about it in a while, but we've still been going to hang out with the guys at juvee every Wednesday. Fear can keep you from doing a lot of things, and I think it comes in different guises as well. I was afraid that if I posted about juvee, people would think I was bragging and view it as prideful. This fear kept me from doing something that I love (getting to share the guys stories), and ultimately, I think it kept the guys from receiving a lot of prayer that they both need and deserve. I talked with a friend about this a while back (thanks Austin), and it kind of made me realize how silly I'd been, and the past few weeks have been so good, that I couldn't not share it with people.

We've got a really solid group of guys in there at the moment, both in numbers and in character. The guys look forward to us coming every week, ask about us when we're gone, and have a sincere curiosity about the things of the Bible, last night being further proof of that. Getting to play basketball with the guys last night was awesome. I always feel that the guys are a lot more open with you, we connect better, and that they listen better, when you get to play with or against them (if I would stinkin' hurry up, and learn how to dunk already maybe they'd listen even more!). This seems to make sense, as it's been said that sports, music, and food are the three things that bring people together (I would add complaining to the list, but we'll stick with positive things). We had an awesome time getting to play together. There was about 14 guys, and 10 or so were new, so it was great to start off on such a good foot. The guys all got along during the game (there's been problems before, but hey, it's juvee. What do you expect?), everyone was laughing together, and the games were competitive.

After the game, we all sat down to talk about the Bible, focusing on the story of Noah. The guys had tons of questions about everything. Dinosaurs, the age of accountability, Jesus' death, Revelations, and even mermaids were discussed (one guy  believed they were real). There was really good discussion, and I got to know a few of the new guys really well during that time.

A lot of these guys are really, really close to Christ, they just need a little more guidance to understand some things, and they need people to love them, and role model Him for them. Unfortunately, they need this more outside of juvee than they do inside. What we can do is limited. It's going to be the others outside that truly impact these guys lives. These guys need our prayer. If ya'll could pray for these few things for the guys, the impact might be larger than you think:

1. That the guys will continue to have a curiosity for the things of God, and that they may find The Answer while they're there.
2. For help with a lot of the pain that these guys are dealing with. Some of the stories they tell are unreal.
3. That once these guys get out, that they'll stay out, and that men and women of God around them will see them, reach out, and be an influence, mentor, and friend. 
4. And finally, that people will remember to pray for these guys (and hey, if you wanna pray to keep us guys healthy so we can play together, we're ok with that too).

Thanks for all of your prayers, and keep this guys in mind!

Even MORE Proof God is a Practical Joker

It's finally gotten warmer outside, and we all know what comes with warm weather: spiders. Yep, that's right. In case you haven't noticed, every season has something rather sinister about it. Fall comes with hours spent raking leaves, winter results in bitter cold, spring has allergies, and summer has spiders. It's bad enough just knowing that they're outside with their long hairy legs (considering that description, I guess I should be scared of my dad as well), but add to that that for some reason, they decide that your toes look rather scrumptious as they race towards your feet during that split second you open the door to let the dog go potty before bed.

Oftentimes, you won't see them sneak by your feet into your house. Until the middle of the night that is, when you see a shadow scutter across your ceiling, and wake up to a scene like this:

1. New shirt/pants stickers - Just how many do we need? I peel off 4, and there's 2 more I'll find later that week. It's almost guaranteed that every time I wear new clothes, no matter how good I check them, somewhere (usually my hindquarters) there'll be a sticker advertising my waist size to the world.

2. Camera flash - You know those times when you see someone at the store that looks just like your friend? You decide to sneak a picture, only to discover your flash is on. Don't act like I'm weird, you know you've done it. Need an example? Here.

3. Facebook uploads - Have you noticed half of them are pictures your friend posted of you unaware, mid-chew on a hamburger?

4. Change - What you don't have at the toll both, but all you have when you run out of gas.

5. Spiders love dark, moist places - Good thing we tend to open our mouths when we sleep, huh?

6. Public sneezing - Typically while sitting in a claustrophobic room surrounded by people you don't know. I've found it's best to put your head as close to your shoes as possible, sneeze all over your socks, and then give a dirty look when the people in front of you disgustedly turn around.

7.You have to wear jeans to weed-eat - Unless, of course, you like getting the opportunity to pick gravel out of your shins. Did I mention that there's going to be a heat index of 105 while you're doing this fun character building activity?

8. Boogers - one of God's many ways of keeping your pride in check.

9. Getting hit by a bee the size of a small bird when you stick your hand out the car window - Yes, I've been there.

10. Failed magic tricks - Every small child goes through a phase where they are infatuated with magic. They sometimes go so far as to learn a few card tricks of their own. They'll spend hours practicing so that they can impress their friends. Finally the moment comes, the trick has been perfected, and the friends and family are ready. And the trick fails. Horribly. Leaving a frustrated and humiliated little kid standing there in front of those they want to impress the most. I only have one explanation for moments like these.

These are just a few things I have on my list that I'll share at the moment, and rest assured, there are many more. Until then, enjoy this small list above (and maybe these ones too!), and remain aware, as a practical joker loves to strike when least expected.

Appendexplosion! POW! (A Story with Pictures! Wowza!)

For some reason, horrible experiences tend to be some of our favorite stories to tell. It's been said that bad choices make great stories, and I think the same goes with horrible experiences as well, probably because often they are hopelessly tangled together. One of my favorite horrible experiences to tell is the story of my appendicitis. It went something like this.

The day started out like any other day. Classes, homework, hanging out with friends, and basketball were the norm. However, the night turned out to be a little different. I had just gotten back from eating dinner at the school's cafeteria, and had decided to spend the evening in the library studying for a test. It wasn't long till my stomach started to feel a little funny. As the evening went on, my stomach grew worse, and I decided to call it a night, hoping that maybe I would feel better in the morning. The night went kind of like this.

Over the night the slight discomfort in my stomach had grown almost unbearable. I felt like I was going to explode. So I did what any self-respecting guy would do, I called my mom.

It's important to go into a little background here. When I was about 10, I pulled up a ramp close to my basketball goal, ran off it with the intention of dunking, and ended up lying on the pavement on top of my arm. By the time we got to the hospital, the pain had worn off, and everything was fine, but ever since then, Mom's sworn that it's all in my head whenever I get hurt. I could get stomped on by an elephant, but if she didn't see it, it'd all be in my head, and I'd be told to go dust my room. With this being said, when I called my mom, certain that I was about to die, she told me to take some Pepto Bismol (I didn't) and go back to bed. After about another half hour I called her again, and I was told to just go to the doctor if it hurt that bad (do you see the lack of sympathy here?).

I had won! I'd finally convinced Mom that something was wrong! Though it didn't take the edge off of the pain, it did make me a little happier. There was a doctor's office on the other side of campus I could go to. Because my stomach was hurting so bad it was getting hard to walk straight up, I decided to take the bus.

I was a freshman at the time, and up until that point had walked whenever I needed to get somewhere, so I had absolutely no idea regarding the bus routes. I hopped onto the first bus that came by my dorm, not realizing that it would take me to the opposite side of campus before taking me to the doctor side.

I finally made it to the doctor's office. I shuffled in, waited a little bit, and finally went in to meet him. I told him everything, and he decided he needed to check for appendicitis by pushing my stomach through my spine.

He confirmed I had appendicitis, and I walked outside to find my Granny had come to take me to the hospital. After about three or four hours laying on a table without any meds, they decided to move me to another hospital that actually did surgery.

Granted, they did have a psych ward too, but I didn't need that just yet. So, they took me to the other hospital, where by this point I was expecting my intestines to shoot out of my stomach and hit the ceiling. It'd been almost a whole day since this thing had started, and I'd had no pain meds the entire time. When we got to the other hospital, they immediately stuck me on morphine.

A little while later, they decided it was time for surgery. I was wheeled into the operating room, where I only remember two things. First was that it was very cold. Second, was looking to my right, and seeing a scene reminiscent of Saw with knives everywhere, just before passing out.

I woke up around 3 that night in some other room somewhere in the hospital. My nurse came in, said hi, and left as I fell back asleep. When I woke up again later that morning, a different nurse named Olga (no lie) came in and demanded that I get up and walk.

I tried to object, mentioning something about just coming out of surgery, but that didn't work.

After about two days in the hospital, and another few at home, I finally made it back to my dorm. Apparently , through the whole fiasco, I had forgotten to tell anyone on the dorm much of anything regarding what had happened. I had woken my roommate up early in the morning muttering something about driving to the hospital, but that was about it. When I finally showed back up, I was surprised at all the rumors that had been going around.

It took a little while, both to heal up, and to straighten out most of the stories (I might have let the bear one slide), but eventually everything ended up ok. My stomach healed up, I could walk again, and best of all, I'd I'd say the only problem with my recovery was hearing more funny jokes those first few days after surgery when it hurt to laugh than any other time in my life. It was certainly a miserable experience, and I definitely wouldn't do it again (not that I have a choice or anything), but I did learn a valuable lesson: don't ever wish to prove Mom wrong. You'll only end up in the hospital.

Experiences as a Nursing Assistant

I put my foot in the water, so to speak, into the medical field for the first time last week. I've been training as a nurse assistant for the past four weeks, and finally graduated last Friday. Part of our training involved working at a local nursing home, and the hospital. I loved it. Here's some of what I saw and experienced.

Met some awesome nursing assistants who truly love their job, and being able to serve others, and it shows in their work. Met a resident who was an extremely strong Christian, and is praying everyday for her grandson to find Christ. Got to hang out with two of the coolest old ladies you'll ever meet. Became a professional diaper changer. Had an old lady throw her grilled cheese across the table (it was 'burnt'). Made friends with a schizophrenic lady. Helped a stroke victim strengthen his legs. 'Teased' a granny fro. Watched as an elderly man in a wheelchair, scooted his wife, who is also in a wheelchair, to wherever they needed to go. Painted a lady's fingernails. Almost got pooped on. Washed a lady's feet. Worked on the oncology floor at the hospital, and helped admit a man with colon cancer. Helped aid with the comfort of a lady who was on her death bed. Communicated with a teary eyed, frustrated stroke victim with expressive aphasia (she can't talk), found out what she wanted, and made her laugh and shake my hand.  Gave baths. Had a very old lady ask me how pretty she was on a scale of 1 to 10 ("Well, a 12, of course."). Fed people. Saw a picture of a friend of mine in one of the resident's rooms. And had a conversation with a lady with dementia about how great bananas are.

This has seriously been one of the richer experiences of my life. Even though it was sometimes gross (I have some awesome poop stories), I loved every minute that we were there. I'm extremely thankful for this opportunity. It taught me a lot, and I'm looking forward to more opportunities like this in the future, as well as moving along in the medical field. 

Me: The New Nursing Assistant!

Just thought I'd let ya'll know how my first day in lab as a nursing assistant went.

I was trying to brush her teeth.

Favorite Textbook Quotes

College is 90% reading. That's one of the things that I probably should have realized about high school too, but unfortunately, reading the textbooks didn't become much of a priority until I got to college. Don't get me wrong, I read my books in high school too (actually "skimmed" is a better word), but after the first batch of tests my freshman year I realized that I'd have to actually comprehend what I read if I ever hoped to graduate with a GPA above a 1.4. It took a little while, but I think that I've gotten the hang of things now. However, as I paid better attention, I began to notice that some of the things that I'd read could come across as kind of funny when you thought about it, or had a major duh factor (sheesh, did they think I was a kinesiology major?). So, I began to make a list. Here are my favorite textbook quotes from this past semester.

1. "A second or third degree heart block in a client is a reason to discontinue exercise." - I would say it's a good one too.

2. "Exercise occurs when the person turns and moves in bed without help." - I didn't realize how healthy I must be! I exercise every morning!

3. "Pregnant women should avoid contact sports." - Football comes to mind.

4. "Peripheral Vascular Disease 4-Point Pain Scale" 
       "#3. Intense pain from which the patient's attention cannot be diverted except by catastrophic events such as a fire or explosion"
  -"Well doctor, my leg was hurting, but thanks to that earthquake now I feel fine!"

5. "Wet babies are extremely slippery."

6. "Patients with respiratory problems should discontinue exercise when they can no longer breathe." - Oh. Ok.

7. "BRP stands for bathroom privileges." - Not a right? I've been so ungrateful!

8. "Push the cuticles back with an orange stick." - And ONLY orange.

9. "Transmission of AIDS through saliva has never been reported. Therefore, it is safe to drink after AIDS patients." - Then I flipped to the next page. "Eventually, AIDS patients will develop open sores in their mouths."

10. "...a person may try to put slacks on over his or her head." - I'm not even sure what to do with this one.

11. "Signs and Symptoms of Illness in Babies"
               "#2. The baby looks sick."
                -Sounds reasonable to me.

12. "A person has electrical burns. The person is still in contact with the electrical source. What should you do?"
       "D. Cover the person with moist towels."
-Ok, so technically that one was on a test I took, but it actually made me laugh in the middle of class, so I thought it was worth sharing.

That's all I've got for the moment. Sadly, I didn't make this discovery until this past January (sigh). Oh well. Hopefully, this coming school year will give me plenty of other examples and there will be another post like this in the near future!

Even More Proof that God is a Practical Joker

It's May, and around here that means that it's time to harvest the hay. Most people pay no attention to May, but I have no choice, considering that I'm terribly allergic to the stuff. As I was sniffling and sneezing the other day, it dawned on me: what a cruel joke this is. Here I am horribly allergic to hay, just being around it, particularly when it's cut, makes my life miserable, and guess where I live. Yep, a hay farm. As I thought about this, it brought to mind my previous findings on why God must be a practical joker (Proof #1 & Proof #2). After much more thought, and musing on some previous experiences, I think I've found some more irrefutable proof that God is a practical joker.

1. Ugly babies - You waited 9 months for that?

2. I like listening to my iPod when I run - too bad my treadmill likes filling my body with static electricity.

3. Sitting across from "spitters" in the school cafeteria - You know, there's nothing quite as appalling as watching someone's saliva soar through the air and landing somewhere on your plate while you're talking to them. I think one of the reasons God made these people was for kicks and giggles. From putting hot sauce on someone's glass, to rigging the salt shaker to spill everywhere; ruining someone's food is a classic sign of a practical joker.They're great people to be friends with if you're trying to loose weight though.

4. Causing your parents to think about you in the middle of a test - on the one day you forget to silence your phone.

5. Driver's license pictures - Have you ever had a good one? Me neither.

6. The first round of American Idol - God made their voices for our entertainment.

7. At home I'm extremely graceful - I can drink a glass of water, cook an omelet, swiffer the floor, and juggle 4 glasses all at the same time. But put me at a friend's house that I don't know very well, and I'm almost guaranteed to break that glass I just reached for.

8. I told God I'd do whatever He wants, as long as I can stay in Virginia. - He called me to China.

9. For some reason I keep forgetting to take my socks off - right before I get in the shower.

10. Appalachian Trail through-hikers - For 3 months out of every year, men and women hiking from Georgia to Maine come through my state. These people are stinky, wear dirty clothes, carry everything they own with them, and need to shave (sometimes the women too). I love the Appalachian Trail, and love to talk with these people, but sometimes conversations like this happen: "Hey, are you hiking the Appalachian Trail? You smell like a hiker." ( a common AT joke and greeting) To which the person replies, "No, I'm homeless."

As you can see, the evidence that God is a practical joker is almost insurmountable. This amounts to thirty-one different reasons that God must be a practical joker. With this much evidence, it can almost be considered a fact. So watch your back, and remember that the greatest sign of a practical joker is that you can never get them back, and they never quit. I mentioned before that God was going to get me again sometime in the near future. This list is proof that I was right. So rest assured, God will get me again, and He'll probably get you too, and when He does, He's gonna get us good.

I'd Like One Too, Please

My brother and I saw this guy at Sam's Club today. He was turned around, but unfortunately the camera's flash was on, and he turned around pretty quick when the bread all around him suddenly lit up, as two slightly embarrassed, laughing guys made a rather quick exit.

Greatest Quotes of Spring '12

Another semester has come and gone, and once again I've been keeping track of some of the greatest quotes and conversations in order to give a small idea of what things have been like lately. Here you go.

• "Sil, when you're older are you gonna have a cool voice like Morgan Freeman?"
• "I'd be so ticked if my kid got pregnant. That's why I want boys."
• K-"She's one of them home school girls that stays in her room 23/7." Me-"23/7?" K-"Yeah, she's gotta go to class!"
• "Hey! Get back here! I can't be creeping on people by myself! I need an accountability partner!"
• Professor-"What's that on your face?" Girl in class-"Ringworm."
• "I took the bus the other day, and it was just me and a bunch of white people. My first thought was, 'White people take the bus?!'"
• "Hey! Quit acting like a pregnant girl!"
• Professor-"I realize a lot of this lecture is common sense, but I've got to say it for the kinesiology majors."

A College Dictionary

A new semester has begun, and I've already seen a ton of new people here on campus, many of whom are freshmen. One of the things that I remember having to deal with my freshman year was wading through the college campus "lingo". I wished that there was some type of dictionary that would help me understand what people were referring to, but there wasn't leaving the task of figuring out what different things meant completely up to me. So, new freshmen, I have taken it upon myself to make your lives a little easier this year by compiling a college dictionary for you. Here you go.

1. Professorship - a license to act as cooky, eccentric, or strange as one desires

2. Syllabus -what the professor will ask you to read when you ask a question

3. Pop quiz - a professor's attempt to destroy your GPA, morale, and dreams of a future all in one fell swoop

4. Final - a test that generally only encompasses material in the one book that you didn't read

5. Pencil - what you need for your final. Also the one thing that you forgot to bring.

6. Dirty look - what you will receive when you ask somebody for a pencil

7. Ramen - what you will be living off of the next four years. Variation doesn't help as much as you wish.

8. Alarm clock - that thing that buzzes on weekends, but for some reason not before the class you have a paper due in

9. Paper - typically a report the size of a small novel that a professor assigns you. Also, what you run out of while printing that small novel, typically on the last page, or when you're in a hurry.

10. All Nighter - 40% studying, 60% Facebook

11. Procrastination - the source for all nighters

12. Paycheck - what arrives the day after all your friends went out

13. Sleep - a precious gift from God

14. Parking enforcement - the modern day equivalent of the tax collectors of Jesus' time

15. Drumsets - a tool of Satan at 3 in the morning

16. Christmas break - 3-4 weeks of free labor for your parents

17. Freshman 15 - *see ramen


18. 7:40AM - when the most mentally intensive courses such as calculus, chemistry, or anatomy are held. Also allows most college students to see the sunrise for the first time in their lives.

So current freshmen, or even still confused sophomores, I hope that this helps, and have an awesome semester!

Hitchhiking (A Story with Pictures! Wowza!)

There are some things in our lives that we look forward to doing, maybe not so much because we know that we are going to have a good time, but because we know that it is certainly going to be an experience. For me, one of these things is hitchhiking. Though I've only done it about half a dozen times, and am certainly no expert, I've learned that you never forget a hitchhiking experience.


The first time I hitchhiked was when I was fresh out of high school. A friend and I had decided to spend a week backpacking along the Appalachian Trail. On our fifth day out there, we decided that we were going to try to pick up the pace and cover a little more mileage that day. Hitchhiking seemed the way to go. So, without much delay, we worked our way towards a winding mountain road, stuck our thumbs out, and began walking north. Not long later, a car with an elderly couple and their granddaughter slowed to a stop. My friend and I piled into the car, and buckled up tight for what proceeded to be one of the scariest rides of my life. It wasn't that the people were scary or weird, but the driving was a different story. It went kind of like this.       
 


After we got off, we gathered our things and began hiking again. It wasn't long afterwards that we decided to hitchhike again (short memory span, I guess). In all, we hitched rides about three or four times that day, with the other picker-upper people causing much less of a commotion. I actually fell asleep on one of the rides! And when I woke up I wasn't missing my wallet or kidneys!


However, the most recent trip hitchhiking was a different story. It reminded me a lot about my first time hitchhiking, actually.


I had spent the day hiking through the woods, on a cold wintry day (it was actually snowing), and had just finished hiking about six miles. The trail led me across a road, and as I was done with my hike, I pulled out my map to check to see whether the road would take me back to my car. To my surprise, I found that I had actually hiked a lot farther out than I had originally anticipated, and that the road did in fact lead to my car. My ribs had been hurting as I hiked (no idea why), and I figured that if I took the road back, I could avoid backtracking a rather difficult trail, and hopefully, due to pavement and less hills, I could make it back much faster than by taking the trail. And, perchance my ribs was a case of something serious, I decreased my chance of dying a slow, painful death alone in the wilderness (this was probably the main thinking behind my decision).


And so began my journey back to my car. Before I go any farther, it's important to mention that it was about three in the afternoon when I started heading back. The sun would set around five, and I figured that it would take me about two hours to get back, just in time for nightfall. What I didn't factor in though, was that the road I was taking took a windy, super steep path straight up a mountain that was completely out of the way. How I didn't realize this before, I don't know. 

As I began walking, I quickly realized that the lack of trees around me allowed gigantic gusts of freezing air to come down and sap any heat I had straight out of my face. Luckily, I had a face wrap thingy that helped to keep some of the wind out. Also, due to it's being hunting season, I had a large goofy looking orange hat that I was wearing to keep from getting shot (I saw hunters on my way in). These two articles of clothing had the combined effect of making me look like a ninja-hobo. Realizing how ridiculous I looked, I understood that there was no way that anybody was going to give the ninja-hobo a ride. Would you have given a guy that looked like this a ride? I don't think so. 

So I kept walking. I walked for about an hour, as small children on school buses stared as they drove by, dogs barked maniacally, and people gathered firewood (like the school children, also staring). Eventually, a lady in a truck even slowed down to almost a complete stop, stuck her head back out the window, and watched me for a moment, before speeding on by. Apparently, I looked weirder than I thought. 


I eventually got to the base of the gigantic, windy-road mountain. Preparing for the worst, I swallowed and began to walk forward. But as I did, suddenly a shout came from behind me. It was the lady from the truck! She asked if I needed a ride (so I didn't stick my thumb out, not technically hitchhiking. But I hitched a ride, and I was hiking, so it counts), and I said sure, as I tried to avoid her pitbull-ish dog that came running at me. She restrained the dog, and told me to hop in the truck. Before I did though, she ran inside her house real quick and came out with a beer. "Mind if I drink?", she asked. 

At this point I reached a dilemma. Here a woman stood before me asking me if I would willingly put my life on the line as she drank an ice cold beer while driving me up a steep, windy mountain road. 


It's important to go a little into my background here. For some reason, my entire life both my parents and grandparents have made it their life goal to establish an irrational fear of cars in me, and to convince me that cars are the second most dangerous objects on the planet, right after nukes. The day that I got my license, my dad actually handed me a folder full of newspaper clippings that he'd been collecting for who-knows-how-long, full of stories of people that had died or been maimed for life in car accidents. My grandparents have also made it their job to notify me whenever somebody they know, even remotely, has been in an accident. So, when asked whether it was ok for her to drink while driving, all of this was going through my mind. 

What was I supposed to do? "Why yes, I actually do mind if you drink while driving me to my car." That would have ended up with her telling me to walk the rest of the way, and painted me as the rude, ungracious stranger. So, conscious that somewhat soon I myself might be a newspaper clipping, I said it was fine, hopped in the truck, and buckled the seat belt as tight as I possibly could (if you suck it in, it helps). 

And so, the lady drove, with the steering wheel in one hand, and a beer in the other. We began up the mountain road, which turned out to be loose gravel, and every bit as bad as I thought. It was also extremely narrow, and had no guard rails, meaning the entire thing was a series of unprotected cliffs. The lady, whom never told me her name (though she did ask for mine, both first and last), put her foot to the gas until we were going an easy forty-five. 


As we drifted around the corners (no kidding), periodically spun out, and dodged the occasional oncoming car, the lady apologized for her driving to me. She said she was only driving like this because she knew the road so well. I wanted to tell her it was because of the bottle in her hand. 


The road soon came to an end (though not soon enough), and the kind stranger dropped me off at my car at precisely five o' clock. It turns out I was lucky she'd "found" me. There were bears all over that area, and if I had walked I wouldn't have made it back until well after nightfall. Debating as to whether it would have been wiser to brave the bears, I thanked the lady as both she, and I, drove off.